Flaming Idiots

by Jim Gould

Editor's note: If Jim wasn't "family" I'd have shot him (or, more appropriately, run him over) when he submitted this scenario. The entire premise of the adventure stems from an extremely embarrassing paste-up error that appeared in the last issue of ADQ. Some lines of copy got reversed in the introductory section of "Badlands Run," and instead of a nice, dramatic radio report about Mormon Apostle David Whitney believed dead when his airship exploded shortly after takeoff en route to San Francisco, we get some garbage about Mormon Apostle David Francisco exploding and burning shortly after takeoff.

Now, the staff here at ADQ believe nothing happens by accident -- behind everything there is a plan, a sign from forces unknown. Jim took this innocent-looking error and saw in it the basis for another Car Wars scenario. Here it is.

The tragic self-immolation of Mormon Apostle David Francisco would have been but another odd-but-true tale for barflies, but for the intervention of KFIR, a Utah TV station coincidentally on the scene. Strangely enough, the Apostle David burst into flame as he leapt towards the ascending dirigible which was the subject of the newsmen's attention. The tape is unclear as to whether the Apostle actually flew, but there is no doubt that the subsequent explosion was caused by Francisco's spontaneous combustion. In the aftermath, a few witnesses of the incident formed a cult; the Church of the Incineration, or the so-called "Flaming Idiots." The publicity garnered by KFIR caused the more loosely-tuned members of society to flock to their banner.

The more militant Mormon hierarchs saw this splinter group as a threat; the Mormon affiliation of Francisco was drawing too many good Mormons astray, into the new cult. The direct approach was seen as best...

This two-player scenario pits the Flaming Idiots and their leaders, the Witnesses, against a group of hired mercenaries, Kurt's Kommandos, in a town that looks suspiciously like Midville. All the building names are for reference only, and don't indicate anything about the contents of the buildings. All building DPs are as printed on the map.

Set-up

The Flaming Idiots are holding a meeting in the Police Station. They have a Hotshot and a Vigilante (both from the stock car list) in the parking lot of the Station. The Vigilante has been modified to include a fire extinguisher, necessitating the removal of the smokescreen. Both vehicles are fully charged and armed. The Flaming Idiots group consists of four guards (Gunner+1, Driver+1, Handgunner+1, SMG w/3 clips, body armor) and four Witnesses (Gunner, Handgunner, light pistol, body armor). These may be placed anywhere in the Police Station or the Jail. All Witnesses must be set up within 1" of each other.

All FI vehicles are "warmed up" and won't need the standard 3-second delay for starting a vehicle.

To win, the FI player must get all four Witnesses off the north edge of the map in a vehicle, or off any side of the north half of the map on foot.

Kurt's Kommandos get a Security Six and two Mini Shermans (again, from the stock list), placed anywhere on the north half of the map, traveling at up to 30 mph. The hi-res computers in the Security Six are old and erratic. If a character decides to use one to shoot with, roll on the following table:

The character must choose whether he will use the computer whenever he fires a weapon; he can't change his mind after the die roll is made. The computer is very erratic; roll again each time the computer is used.

There are 7 Kommandos (Gunner+2, Driver+1, Cyclist+1, Handgunner+2, SMG, 3 grenades, 1 VLAW, body armor) plus Kurt Goedecke himself (Gunner+2, Driver+2, Cyclist+1, Handgunner+3, Heavy pistol, 1 grenade, 2 LAW, body armor). All Kommandos must be in vehicles, and all vehicles must have a Kommando in them.

The goal of the Kommando is to kill the Witnesses.

Winning

If the Kommandos kill all four Witnesses while losing less than 3 men, they win decisively.

If the Kommandos kill all the Witnesses but take heavier losses, they win a moderate victory.

If one or two Witnesses escape, the Flaming Idiot player wins a marginal victory.

If three or four Witnesses escape, the FI's win decisively.

If all the Kommandos are killed, a Kommando moderate victory becomes a marginal Flaming Idiot win, and a Flaming Idiot victory of any flavor becomes an overwhelming win for the Church, since martyrs can be most useful if the opposition can't talk.

Other Stuff

The entire town is deserted and fair game. Both map sheets from Sunday Drivers are in play. The Kommando player won't be able to identify Witnesses from guards, so the Flaming Idiot player should write down which of his markers represent Witnesses on a piece of scratch paper to be revealed after the game is over.

Variant If the game bogs down, or if you want additional mayhem, a couple of Police Cruisers (Sunday Drivers) can enter from the south end of Kazango. They will shoot at any vehicles that are in combat until the unruly combatants surrender, and they will attempt to arrest any pedestrians running around with weapons. They will shoot pedestrians who ignore their warnings. Once they have arrested two combatants, or if they are obviously getting the tar beat out of them, they will retreat. They may exit off any map edge. Note that having the Witnesses arrested and removed by the police counts as having the Witnesses escape.

Issue 2/3 Index