Uncle Schmalbert's Auto Shop and Gunnery Stop 2037 Catalog

by Steve Peters

Editor's note: these rules are extremely unofficial

Since 2033, Uncle Schmal's Auto Shop and Gunnery Stop has provided duellists with the high-tech goodies that they've always wanted. Now, for the first time, Uncle Schmal unveils his mail-order catalog, chock full of the high-tech stuff that duellists have always wanted, grouped into one humongous, super-massive, easy-to-find category! Check for the latest developments from Uncle Schmal's R&D staff scattered completely without sense throughout the catalog! Remember that Uncle Schmal guarantees all merchandise for two weeks from the date of the receipt of your order.

Important Note: Uncle Schmalbert wants every civic-minded duellist to mind local weaponry laws. However, if you plan to use something illegal, there are some dandy ideas in this catalog…

Credits: By Steve Peters, The Horseman of the Plague, President of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Autoduel Association. It would be unfair if I didn't mention Steve Jackson and the creators of Car Wars for their unwitting help in writing this, for without them, I would be spending my time and money on something productive. Playtested by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Autoduelling Association of Allentown.

The "Uncle Schmalbert" Story

Back in 2005, Uncle Schmal and his two brothers ran an automotive business out of Boston. As time wore on and the business became successful, brother Schmalbert shifted his attention to the research and development branch of the operation. He was thrown out of the business and the family in 2029 when the R&D wing disappeared, leaving only a huge hole in the ground.

So Schmalbert hit the road with nothing but the clothes on his back, $1,000 in his pocket, and a new Joseph Special that happened to be unlocked in the corporate parking lot. For the next several years, he wandered the roads selling toasters for Zesty Space Bongos Co. Then on January 3, 2033, he as attacked by a bandit while on the road to Kalamazoo. The bandit blasted through Schmalbert's back armor, and Schmal was forced to throw everything he had against the bandit - which, unfortunately, was his grilled-cheese sandwich lunch. The bandit's car hit the sandwich, lost control, rolled, and burned. The entire combat was witnessed by a news helicopter, and Uncle Schmalbert's fame spread across the continent.

It was then that Schmalbert decided that what the public wanted was not more toasters, but new and bizarre ways of killing each other. He started his mail-order business with his modest toaster sales commissions, and the rest is history.

Nuclear Power Plant

The Equivalent of 2,389,016 MPG!

For those who want real power! Thumb your noses at the truck stops as you cruise by at 200 mph! Laugh yourself nauseous at gasburners! Your power plant has enough fuel to last a whole year between refuelings! Warning - Uncle Schamlbert's cannot be held for reactor, shielding, cooling, or any other kind of failure due to the plant's volatile nature. Look at it this way: if it malfunctions, you'll never have to worry about anything again!

Nuclear Power Plant -- $500,000, 2,500 lbs., 14 spaces, see below for DP, 20,000 power factors, 200 mph top speed. Modifications are required to the wheel motors to take the extra strain -- $1,000 per wheel. If the vehicle has twice as many power factors as weight, acceleration is 20 mph/turn. If the vehicle has three times as many power factors as weight, acceleration is 25 mph/turn. As can be imagined, damage sustained by the nuclear power plant can cause serious repercussions. To wit:

Consider the plant to have 10 pts. of metal armor (actually lead) around it. If the armor is breached, roll randomly to see what part of the plant is affected: 1 - Reactor Core; 2 - Heat Exchangers; 3 - Generators; 4 - Cooling System; 5 - Reactor Fins; 6 - Nothing Important. Each of the above items has 4 DP. Once the DP limit is reached, the system malfunctions, causing the following problems:

Reactor Core - Power factors drop to 0 immediately. All occupants of the vehicle are killed instantly by massive lethal doses of radiation. (A radiation suit is no protection here.) This tends to end duels real quick as the other participants head for the nearest exit. Details on radiation exposure, sickness, and other effects on the combatants and bystanders are left to the sadistic imaginations of referees everywhere.

Heat Exchangers - Power factors decrease by 1,000 per turn (the truck plant loses 1,000 lbs. maximum rig weight per turn) until it reaches 0. If the reactor is not completely shut down within 30 minutes, it will overheat, with the same results as a Reactor Core failure.

Generators - Power factors decrease by 1,000 per minute (the truck plant loses 1,000 lbs. maximum rig weight per minute) until it reaches 0. No other effects.

Cooling System - No power loss, but dangerous heat levels are building up. If the plant is not completely shut down within 30 minutes, the results are the same as for a Reactor Core failure.

Radiator Fins - Being large plates of steel, these can't really be hurt. But they absorb 4 points of damage before the remainder goes on to hit something else…

Nothing Important - No effect, obviously, but 4 points of damage are absorbed before the remainder continues on…

Due to the limited capacity for lead shielding around the power plant, it is not suggested to be within 10" of the power plant for more than 2 hours a day unless you are wearing a radiation suit. Refuelling is required once a year, whether the plant is used or not. Fuel costs $1,000 per load - where to get the stuff is up to the referee - and a radiation suit is required to live through the experience. It takes 20 minutes to start up or shut down a nuclear plant. All repairs should be considered Very Hard, and cost 20 times normal.

Nuclear Truck Power Plant

Make cross-country hauls like never seen before! With an extra driver and a sleeping area, it's possible to drive until the plant needs to be refueled, or the crew needs supplies. Truckers note! Few bandits will be able to catch you when you're flying down the highway at 130 mph! Improved acceleration, too - and all from Uncle Schmalbert!

Nuclear Truck Power Plant -- $1,000,000, 6,000 lbs., 20 spaces, see below for DP, 100,000 lbs. maximum rig weight, 130 mph top speed, acceleration 5 mph/turn up to 25 mph, 10 mph/turn thereafter. Refuelling cost is $3,000. The big difference between this and the smaller nuclear power plant is that this plant is much better shielded - the crew can spend as much time in the cab as they wish with no ill effects. Damage to the plant is figured as for the regular nuclear power plant, except each component has 6 DP, and the lead shielding is the equivalent of 17 points of metal component armor.

Radiation Suit

Also great for when you forget your sunscreen!

For those who crave the raw power of a nuclear power plant, but don't want to glow in the dark. Stay safe in Uncle Schmalbert's Radiation Suit!

Radiation Suit -- $500, no grenade-equivalents. A Radiation Suit can be combined with Improved Body Armor - combo has same restrictions as IBA, but costs $2,500.

Grilled Cheese Sandwhich

The old standby that's been saving duellist's lives for years is now available through Uncle Schmalbert's. Handy in a pinch, no duellist should be without one. We use only the finest ingredients.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich -- $5, one grenade-equivalent; a box of 12 weighs 10 lbs. Area effect.

Black Hole Dropper

As seen in many Astronomy films!

Tired of ineffectual oil slicks? How many times has someone rolled over your mines without setting them off? Like to finish off those jerks for good? Imagine their surprise when you put a 75-foot wide rip in the space-time continuum right in front of their bumpers! Buy Uncle Schmal's Black Hole Dropper, and watch those sputniks disappear from existence!

Black Hole Dropper -- $15,000, 250 lbs., 3 spaces, 3 DP, 3 shots, CPS $2,000, WPS 20, burst effect. The black hole swallows everything in a 2 ½" radius - including the ground! The BHD drops what looks like a mine counter and can be set to go off like regular mines, or on a set time-delay. Remember to give yourself ample time to escape the effects of the black hole when it is released to the environment. It is also an effective roadblock - most people stop when they see a 5" gaping hole in front of them. Note: This device may be illegal in some areas that do not allow road-damaging weapons.

Existential Blue Crayon Gun

Scores a critical hit on any type of armor every time it hits! This weapon fires existential blue crayons, a type of strangely-colored blue that no one has ever been able to describe. No one knows for certain why the EBCG works the way it does, but one theory states that the crayons cause the armor to become extremely depressed.

Existential Blue Crayon Gun -- $6,000, 250 lbs., 2 spaces, 10 shots, CPS 10, WPS 5. Loaded cost $6,100; loaded wt. 300 lbs. To hit 8, 1d-3 damage (but always at least 1). Area effect. No more than 2 can be linked at one time. A "critical hit" (see ADQ 2/4) means the armor of a target is bypassed when damage is allocated. If the target is unarmored, simply double the damage.

Dr. Deathwish's Patented Armor Remover

The next best thing to the Universal Solvent! Dr. Deathwish's super-secret labs have found a chemical that dissolves vehicular armor. Just grab a bottle of this stuff, an old dirty rag, and wipe away! Each bottle holds enough remover to dissolve 100 lbs. of any sort of plastic armor. Great for practical jokes. Also available in paint sprayer loads!

Armor Remover - each bottle is $25, one grenade-equivalent each, and will dissolve 100 lbs. of armor. It takes 1 minute to remove 10 lbs. of armor.

A paint sprayer can be modified to fire this stiff for $100 ($200 to modify a HDPS), and the number of shots are cut to 10. CPS 50, WPS 4 (CPS 100, WPS 8 for HDPS). A could of solvent will last for 5 turns before dispersing. Any vehicle passing through loses 10 lbs. of armor on each exposed side (including wheelguards, wheel hubs, and EWP armor) per phase in the cloud. Body armor disintegrates at the rate of one point per turn.

There's Nothing that Uncle Schmalbert Can't Do!

Photon Torpedoes

Obtained for Uncle Schmal by someone who will only refer to himself as "the man with the pointy ears." These are the ultimate in weaponry. If a PT hits its target, do not bother to roll damage, simply apply the confetti rule to the target. Everything within 2 inches takes 5 dice blast damage, plus all people must roll as if a concussion grenade went off. Everything within 4 inches takes 2 dice blast damage. When fired, the PT resembles a glowing ball of light.

Photon Torpedo -- $30,000, 750 lbs., 5 spaces, 6 DP, one shot. To hit 11, damage as above. Burst effect.


You've heard of this wonder drug, previously available only in expensive European clinics or from disreputable South American smugglers - Adrenalize, the Wonder Drug for duellists! Use it to compensate for a wound, or to save a dying pal. This stuff is sure to be used by combat medics for years to come. Can be administered orally or by injection - please specify type. Caution! While Adrenalize's effects are miraculous, they are also temporary. Persons using this drug should seek expert medical help immediately.

Adrenalize -- $75 per dose, 1 grenade-equivalent. Box of 12 -- $900, 10 lbs., 1 space. This drug effectively increases the DP of an injured person by 1 for an hour. It will revive an unconscious person, and will save a person with 0 DP from dying. Persons with -1 and lower DP cannot be helped. When the hour is up, however, the extra DP is lost, and the user must spend a day recovering from the strenuous effects of the drug. Characters at 0 DP will live if gotten to a hospital or emergency clinic before the hour is up. Multiple doses have no additional effect. Any does taken within five days of the last dose will also have no effect. Administering the drug is a firing action, and the drug takes effect immediately.

Rule Benders

It's happened before… you're arguing with the referee or another player over the rules, and you lose! Well, lose no longer, my friend, when you buy Uncle Schmalbert's Rule Benders! Simply wait until you get into an argument, hit your Uncle Schmalbert Rule Bender, and you win! Sorry, but for some strange and cosmic reason you cannot put more than two Rule Benders in a vehicle.

Rule Benders -- $1,000, 20 lbs., 1 space. One-shot item, destroys itself when used. Activating a Rule Bender is a firing action. Remember, this is a rule bender, not a rule breaker - it cannot be used to change stated numeric values. For example, an RR needs a 6 to hit, and the rule bender cannot change that. Rule benders can be used to change the interpretation of the rules during an argument over something that isn't quite clear. Example: Player #1 maintains that Player #3's car clipped the corner of a FOJ counter and should take damage. Player #3 maintains that his maneuver narrowly missed the counter. Suddenly, the gunner in Car #1 fires a Rule Bender, and wins the argument. Rule Benders cannot be used to counteract another Rule Bender - first one fired wins the argument.

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