Good evening and hello, from Northlands arena in Edmonton! This is Wowie Freaker and Harvey Meale, bringing to you live duelling action from the booth high above the artificial dirt of western Canada's newest duelling ground. The first action this evening will be a Division 20 tag-team match between two local boys and Johnny Dee and Robert the Brute, two-time California champs. Harvey...
Yes, folks, looks like it's going to be a classic match tonight; the press don't give much of a chance to local boys Willie Winkle and Big Joe Muckeraw, but the hometown crowd is good to its duellers, and chances are the surfers are going to get more than they bargained for tonight ... Harvey, what will be the keys to a hometown victory?
Well, Wowie, this crowd can really inspire a team if the conditions are right; if Willie and Joe come up strong in the first five seconds, the crowd will carry the momentum, they will furnish the fight, if you will; the din will dominate, the noise will numb the opposition, the mob will motivate, the rowdies will rouse!
Are you finished?
Um, yes ... it's a bit of a give and take situation, really.
Well, Harvey -- what if they don't come up big early?
The fans will yawn a bit and go to sleep.
The locals will lose, the yanks won't yield, the ...
And now, down to dirt level, where Chris Cutthroat is assessing the vehicles of both sides -- I notice you're wearing the new Duel Night Alberta flak jacket, Chris.
That's right, Wowie. Nobody's taking any chances since some fans took exception to Don Sorry's "Crashes Corner" editorial last week. There has been talk lately of banning hand weapons from the stands, but I think they should get right to the root and stop serving beer to the fans.
I heard that, you pinko. Hello, sports fans, Don Sorry here; I don't know about all of you out there, but it really burns my butt when the Association starts pandering to the namby-pamby, leftwing do-gooders by instituting wimp rules that take all the "do" out of duelling. Take the beer and weapons out of the stands? Who's kidding who? How else are the fans supposed to relate to the action going on around them? By nursing a sling shot and a baby bottle? One lousy grenade attack and the producers are demanding we wear candy-pants flak jackets. Boy, I tell ya, you won't catch me wearing any of that pacifist stuff!
Say, Don, isn't that the plaid, blended body armor you ordered
from Uncle Al's last week?
You make me sick.
What about the cars tonight, Don?
Well, I'll tell ya, Chris, those hot-shot yanks got up here yesterday, calm as can be, spouting off about their cars. Have you seen them? A '38 Agincourt and a '34 Vigilante. Talk about imagination! Ha! You know ...
What about their weapons?
Just listen for a second, okay? Sheesh. I watched Wee Willie and Big Joe in Vancouver in March, and what a show they put on! Willie went straight at his opponent, popping away with his paint gun, the other guy kept hammering at him with not one, but two RRs. Willie just kept at him until, at the last second, Splat! with the paint. Then the guy panics and turns, taking Willie's ramplate and a broadside from three MG's! What a move!
Three MGs and a paint gun, all on one side of a mid-size? And Willic has great acceleration -- how did he get all that in there, Don?
Imagination, Chris -- paint gun and MG out the front, and one MG in each corner -- that sucker did exactly what Willie wanted him to ... broadside, pow!
What about space limitations?
What about 'em? Did you ever wonder why they call him Wee Willic, Chris? Four foot nothing, a mere 75 pounds; is it any wonder he can get all that stuff in there? I'm telling you, these guys are the hottest thing in duelling today! Wee Willie, and Big Joe, who is a giant! Any of you who saw them in Vancouver know what a great force they make.
Didn't they lose that match, Don?
Yeah, right. Wee Willie takes out his man in ten seconds, then the next guy finishes Willie's power plant with a sucker shot over the safety line...
You always hated the safety line rule.
Didn't your mother teach you any manners? And then he flukes out with a rocket through Big Joe's air conditioning. Big deal. My grandmother could have done that. The only reason the Joe-man survived is that he is so big. And when they saw him climb out of that camper, the fans all knew who really won that match; I didn't see anyone mobbing the other team afterwards, let me tell ya. These guys have it all -- imagination, guts ... and size! And that's what it's all about, folks ...
Thanks, Don. Now, let's ask the man in the stands just what he thinks about tonight's match-up. Excuse me sir, what chances do Wee Willie and Big Joe have tonight?
Buuuuuuuuuuurp! Gooo Willie Weenie!
Yet another example of six-pack genius, eh, Don?
You pinhead -- hey! What's that?
Don't worry; I think it's only a concussion, this time ...
Well, uh, back to us again, I guess. Wowie Freaker and Harvey Meale in the booth here, folks. Can you see what's going on down there, Harvey?
Everything scents to be okay, Wowie. I think it was a dummy grenade ... oops, maybe not.
Um, we hope Chris and Don are okay down there, and ... oh! We'd like to take the opportunity to welcome viewers from Washington, Idaho, Montana and Alaska to Duel Night Alberta. Don made a good point about size down there. Harvey, how much do you weigh, if you don't mind my asking? About 150 pounds. How about yourself!
About 150. How about the rest of us? Bill? 150 too, eh? Bill's our camera man. What's that? Fred Tedium, our producer, weighs 150...
That's quite a trend Wowie. Kind of makes you wonder who the real clones are ...
You know, Harvey, these two freaks may be the biggest news to hit sports since the Calgary Flukes had the Edmonton Toilers ambushed on the way to the finals two years ago.
A sad day for hockey fans, Wowie; the end of the league.
You know, I heard they were going to move the Flukes to the Philippines that year, and change their name to the Manila Folders -- nyuk, nyuk, nyuk
Ha, ha, Wowie, great. I'd just like to remind everyone that this program is copyright ...
OK, so it took a lot of gab to get my main point across. I'm supposed to entertain you, too, right?
The most enjoyable aspect of Car Wars, I've always found, has been the variety and selection available to every duellist; let's face it, it wouldn't be a whole lot of fun if everyone was driving nothing but Killer Karts around all the time, would it? Though there are plenty of variations on the vehicles, the characters are all pretty much the same -- like they've all stepped out of the same Gold Cross fee schedule. I've come up with a system, ludicrously simple though it may be, to add yet more variation to vehicle design, and make roleplaying your characters a little more interesting.
If you want a Little Sprout or a Jolly Giant driving on your Green team, just add or subtract weight, within the following limitations:
For every 50 lbs. (or fraction) less than 150 your character weighs, he loses 1 DP and 1 GE, but takes up half a space less.*
For every 50 lbs. over 150 he weighs, he gains 1 DP and 1 GE, but takes up half a space more.
Variations: For every 50 lbs. more or less than 150 a character weighs, he gets +/- 1 to hand to hand combat damage. For every 50 lbs. more than 250 he weighs, lose 1/4 inch movement per turn.
Note that a character with 1 DP is not perpetually unconscious, he just has a bigger clone budget.
Examples: Wee Willie weighs 75 Ibs. He has only 1 DP, carries 4 GE or personal equipment, but he takes up only 1 space 1/2 space as a passenger). Willie has one more space of weaponry in his mid-size, or he could opt for 9 more armor (72 Ibs.).
Big Joe, on the other hand, weighs 250 Ibs. He has 5 DP, carries 2 HAVRs (!) and takes up 3 spaces in his camper. As a passenger, he would take up 2 spaces. He could also, conceivably, punch out 1 point of vehicular armor, but I'd give his fist 1 point of damage back for its collision with the vehicle.
Tag-Team Duelling: Each player has two vehicles. One fights in the arena, the other waits behind a safety line. When the vehicle in the arena crosses back over the safety line, his partner may proceed out in his place. If a vehicle in the arena is "killed," his partner may enter combat immediately.
There is no prestige penalty for "tagging" your partner by crossing the line, but there is a -1 for not entering combat when your partner is "killed." The usual penalties apply for firing across a safety line.
* This includes the extra space any driver or gunner needs for consoles, heads-up display, etc. ... No character may ever take up less than 1 space as crew, or half a space as a passenger.