Balseraph test.

By Kevin Walsh (hjalkar@RedBrick.DCU.IE)


(I felt the need to do a bit of fluff a while back, and once I started it, I felt I had to finish it.)

Infiltrating the Secret Police, or Test Your (Bal)Seraph Quotient.

This test has been devised over several months by an eminent student of Celestial Psychology. It is designed to uncover those among you with Seraphic or Balseraphic tendencies. Answer the five questions below, total your answers, and compare them to the categories at the bottom to discover just what Choir or Band you belong to. (It is assumed throughout that no humans are reading this document.)

1: You are a member of the rebel forces trying to infiltrate the secret police. Joining the secret police requires taking an oath of allegiance to the President. Do you-

A: refuse to take the oath, as to do so would make a mockery of the Truth and your Honour?

B: try to get the person administering the oath to say it's only an empty formula, and take it in that spirit?

C: say beforehand that all you are doing is quoting the relevant articles of the regulations concerning admission to the secret police; (Preferably several months beforehand on a different continent. If they didn't hear you, it's because of their lax security.) and then say the words boldly?

D: say the words of the oath boldly?

E: say the words boldly because after all, everyone knows that the words are only an empty formula, so it's not as if you're committing yourself to anything?

2: As part of your duties, you are required to deny secret police involvement in the murder of an opposition politician which you believe they were involved in. Do you-

A: tell all the media organisations who ask that you believe the secret police were involved in the murder?

B: deny all knowledge of secret police involvement (after all, you don't _know_ that they were involved)?

C: say that inquiries into the death are proceeding (no need to mention that it's only the journalists doing so), and ask all those with relevant information to come forward (to the resistance, not to the police, as that would be stupid)? D: tell the media that the secret police were not involved?

E: assure yourself that since the media will most certainly interpret any denial as an admission of guilt, that by denying it you will actually be exposing the truth of the matter to the media, so of course you're not lying.

3: As part of your duties, you are required to make a report on traitors within the secret police. Do you-

A: admit immediately to being a member of the rebels yourself, and boldly refuse to conduct investigations on your comrades?

B: conduct a half-hearted investigation designed not to uncover anything, and report that you have failed to uncover any new evidence of treason?

C: conduct a thorough investigation and then finger those most loyal to the regime as enemies of the people and conspirators to terrorism since, as loyal members of the secret police, this must be true of them?

D: go through the motions of investigation and finger a few personal enemies who you know to be loyal to the regime?

E: arrest your closest friends for Contacts Leading to Suspicion of Treason, omitting the fact that you are the traitor with whom they have had contact, as this is not relevant to the purpose of the report (saving your ass)?

4: Government forces are pursuing a rebel leader. You know his location, and wish to prevent them capturing him. Do you-

A: refuse to divulge any information, since you cannot lie and will not betray your comrades?

B: imply that you know nothing of his whereabouts?

C: say that his location is to the east, as this is true of any point in the globe which is not exactly due south or north of your location, and then imply that you know nothing more of his whereabouts?

D: lie about where he's is?

E: tell them exactly where he's is, and then warn the rebel leader of their coming, insisting that it was only because of your cunning and perspicacity that you learned of their intentions, and that this is the perfect opportunity to trap the government forces?

5: The rebel leader has been captured and is on trial. You are required to submit evidence to the prosecution. Do you-

A: insist that he is innocent of any treason, since he was only doing his patriotic duty as a citizen by opposing the evil government?

B: prepare a brief stating that under the relevant articles of the Code, he is guilty of such offences as treason, because you have to maintain your cover, and he will be found guilty and shot anyway?

C: spend weeks piling up evidence against him which would convict him of treason under the criminal code, thus allowing more time to carry out his escape?

D: carry out your duties as you would be expected to do?

E: spend weeks inventing charges against him, in order to expose the moral bankruptcy of the regime, so that when he is executed after a trial lasting several weeks, he will become a martyr?

Analysis of Answers;

All As: You are almost certainly a Seraph, and probably either new-made or in service to the Laurence or Litheroy, as there are few others who can plumb the depths of naivete you regularly attain.

Mostly As, You are struggling to overcome some of your naivete, but no Ds or Es: you still have a long way to go. That you have long to continue learning is no excuse. Try harder.

Mostly Bs, You find the bounds of Truth inconvenient, but are no Ds or Es: repulsed at the thought of finding your way out of them. I fear that there may be no hope for you.

Mostly Cs, While still devoted to the Truth, you perceive it less no Ds or Es: narrowly than others, and recognise that it is also a powerful instrument of deception. You are bold and resourceful, but the constant flitting about you most likely engage in limits your potential achievements.

Any Ds: Either you belong to one of the lower, less interesting orders of Celestials, or are recklessly incurring dissonance and thus weakening yourself. You are also a shameless liar.

Any Es: You approach the truth of existence, which you may shortly realise. Continue on your current path, and you will gain much.

All Es: You have recognised the fundamental malleability of truth and the importance of looking after yourself before all others. Truly, you are to be congratulated.

Kevin Walsh, Balseraph of Nitpicking, Demon of Off-Topic Trivia. -- "Yet it cannot be called talent to slay fellow-citizens, to deceive friends, to be without faith, without mercy, without religion; such methods may gain empire, but not glory." Machiavelli, the Prince.


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