In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Shal-Mari's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
Opening Ceremony: The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a calabite of fire throwing a petrol bomb into Prince Asmodeus' favourite casino. The calabite will be hoist on a pole above the stadium and will remain alight for the duration of the games.
Events to include:
100m Sprint: Competitors must hold a camcorder in one hand and maintain a running commentary throughout. On the sound of the starting pistol, a pack of hellhounds will be released from a cage behind the athletes.
100m Hurdles As above, but with added obstacles (pools of blood, ambulances, mortal casualties, paparazzi etc.)
Hammer Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw , sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to spectators within the time allowed.
Gymnastics: Individual apparatus awards for: (Ladies): Floor, science lab, kitchen table and farmyard. (Modern Rhythmic) Ribbon, rope, handcuffs & egg-beater. (Mens): Rings, razors, operating theatre, morgue. (Team Event): To be announced.
Fencing: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
Modern Pentathlon: Competitors take part in five events. Mugging, Plagiarism, Arson, Joyriding and Witty Political Commentary.
Cycling Time Trials: Competitors must break into a locked bicycle shed, steal a bike belonging to a servitor of lightning and make a clean getaway.
Cycling Pursuit: As above except that the bike belongs to a cherub of the sword who witnesses the theft.
(mine)Field Hockey: Competitors in teams of fifteen will play on an especially prepared pitch, pre-planted with landmines. The team with the most survivors wins.
Swimming: Competitors will be fitted with concrete boots and tossed into the Styx. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
The closing ceremony will feature formation headbanging from the Hardcore anti-drugs display team, synchronised rock throwing and music from the Shal-Mari community gospel choir. The flame will be extinguished by an accurate volley of oxygen suppressant capsules from the broadcasting tower of the Tartarus Labs (VIPs are advised to evacuate the area at least an hour in advance) and the stadium will be boarded up to prevent local athletes from making off with the copper piping.
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