by Kevin Walsh <hjalkar @ RedBrick.DCU.IE>
Nothing within these pages should be interpreted as being in any way creative. The characters, situations, and events portrayed below were all either based on real people, or on the works of other people. The author reserves the right to complain at length to anyone who gives him any credit for this work.
Kevin Walsh, Balseraph of Nitpicking, Demon of Off-Topic Trivia.
Three men and a woman are sitting at a table. The woman has blonde hair in ringlets and wears a rather low-cut blouse. Across from her is a dark-haired man in an expensive suit and an expensive haircut. Both of them are smoking, and the smoke is being blown towards a fair-haired man in a somewhat less expensive but exceptionally neat suit. It looks fine, but there's something about the cuffs that's bothering him. It seems that the buttons aren't aligned correctly and he has to keep readjusting them.
Across from him, beside the fan, is a much less elegant man. His pitch-black hair clearly hasn't been combed in a long time, and his clothes, while new and fashionable, look rather dishevelled. He's occupied making obscene origami sculptures with the paper left from the butts of the cigarettes left by the people beside him, and then ripping them apart before they're finished. The fan is blowing his hair all over the place, but he doesn't seem to mind.
Expensive Man: <looks 'round the table> So, in your opinion, which angels are the best f*cks?
Neither of the other men pay any attention. The Woman leans forward.
Woman: We are, of course.
The Messy Man looks up at this.
Messy Man: I think he was referring to angels who actually happened to _be_ angels.
Woman: <p*ssed off> We are angels, and you'd better not forget it or you're in severe trouble.
Expensive Man: Come on. There's no need for this. <turns to Woman> No one is questioning your divinity. He's just winding youup, that's all.
Neat Man: <still adjusting his buttons> If she wants to call herself an angel, then she's an angel. What do you care?
The Woman glares at the the Neat Man, then leans back in her chair. After a drag, she looks calm again.
Expensive Man: However, I was referring to angels who worked directly for Heaven, not, as it were, through subcontractors.
The Woman and the Neat Man don't volunteer anything. The Neat Man starts fixing his tie. The Expensive Man looks at the Messy Man, who stares up at the ceiling before answering.
Messy Man: Well, being something of a traditionalist, I prefer Kyriotates. <grins widely> Anything that can make itself pregnant is just far too damn cool.
Woman: When are you going to give up on your obsession with pregnancy? It's disgusting, that's what it is. Those f*cking little parasites stealing your life energy, making you sick and fat and ugly. <vehement> Don't ever mention that subject in my presence again. </vehement>
Messy Man: Why are you so upset? It's not as if it's gonna happen to you, is it? Or has it?
Expensive Man: <quickly> Do you know what I think you are?
Messy Man: What?
Expensive Man: You're a f*cking Servitor of Malphas.
Messy Man: Bullshit. You've seen me with our Prince.
Expensive Man: That doesn't mean anything. You could be on loan, for all I know.
Woman: I doubt Servitors of Malphas are that f*cking inept.
Expensive Man: His ineptness is a cover for the fact that he's a Servitor of Malphas. If fights broke out constantly around him but he never took part himself, it would be too obvious. So he starts them blatantly as a cover.
Neat Man: <bored> By that logic, I am obviously a Servitor of Malphas, so there's no way I could possibly be one.
Expensive Man: Exactly. Is anyone here accusing you of being a Servitor of Malphas?
Woman: We're wandering away from the point. Ofanim are the best.
Messy Man: Ofanim? You're f*cking sick.
The Messy Man looks down at what he's just crafted, cringes and flings it from him.
Woman: <smiling faintly> They've got great stamina, they always keep going, and they can do _amazing_ positions. And you need a strong Vessel to stay intact when they get excited.
Messy Man: <visibly agitated> They can't f*cking stay in one place! You talk about f*cking positions, but they won't stay in them for more than two seconds at a time. They won't even stay in the one room. You have to f*cking beat them unconscious before they stop.
He has to force himself to stop talking, and for several minutes afterwards he's shaking with rage and ripping up the butts in front of him frenziedly. Everyone is staring at him, but he doesn't stop, or even seem to notice.
Expensive Man: Back to the subject...
Woman: What's the bets he's going to say Malakim?
The Expensive Man ignores her. In fact he doesn't seem to have heard what she said.
Expensive Man: You're both wrong. The best f*cks, of all the angels, are Elohim.
The entire table, even the Neat Man, look up and stare at him. The Woman is not what you would call pleased.
Woman: Those weak-willed sh*ts?? They're nothing more than rite fodder. They never know anything about how to do it, and their enthusiasm is just embarrassing. You might as well have sex with your dog.
Messy Man: Easy, she says. Not all of us are Habbalah, you know. Some of us have to rely on our f*cking talent to get someone interested, instead of using bloody magic. And for anyone else, it's next to impossible. There's a reason they never have any experience, you know.
Expensive Man: If you can't seduce someone without using powers you shouldn't be in this outfit. And anyway, you're all missing the point. The great thing about Elohim is that they're so _compliant_.
He pauses for a moment.
Neat Man: Since you're going to say it anyway whether we want to listen or not, could you please get on with it?
Expensive Man: The trick is, right, to find some project that the angel has to work with a demon for.
Messy Man: Easily achieved, especially without the Game noticing.
Expensive Man: <on a roll> And then you make it clear that the price of your cooperation is that he or she has to become your lover. Let them resonate you if you want in order to confirm it. And then it's f*cking dissonant for the Elohite not to have sex with you.
The Expensive Man sits back and laughs.
Messy Man: Unless of course it's my esteemed colleague sitting there beside you. It's no good having cooperation with two broken arms and two broken legs.
Neat Man: It was perfectly consensual. She even testified to that in court. And I can truthfully say that my services were never in so much demand as they have been since.
Messy Man: That would have been impressive, if so many of them hadn't been Shedim in disguise.
The Woman reaches over and pulls his hair hard.
Woman: Don't mind him. He's just jealous because no one wants _him_ to break their legs.
Expensive Man: <a tad miffed> The important thing is that it's _also_ dissonant for the Elohite not to agree to whatever acts you wish. And they're not judgemental. One position is as good as another to them. Even if they find out you don't really want to do something except in order to humiliate them, the worst you're going to get is a polite refusal.
Woman: So if you go to the trouble, they're compliant. So what? They still have no technique.
Expensive Man: You f*cking teach them. And teach them to enjoy it, so that they're begging you for more of it. And like I said, if you need powers to achieve that, you shouldn't be working for us. And they're motivated. If they want to keep you happy, they'd better learn those techniques quickly.
Messy Man: Easily said when you have those powers. And how often has this worked for you, anyway?
Expensive Man: Two or three times.
Messy Man: Two or three? You don't remember?
Expensive Man: I think one of them might have had two Vessels.
Messy Man: And you couldn't tell whether it was the same person or not? Not even after all those techniques you taught her? Or was it a her?
Expensive Man: They were both hers, and it was dodgy. The second time, she didn't seem to know stuff, but I reckoned she might have been hiding it.
The Woman looks thoughtful. The Messy Man seems to be looking for more objections, but can't find any. The Neat Man looks down at his watch, then sighs and starts changing the time on it. Still looking down, he asks...
Neat Man: If you've had so many Elohim, how come you're not a Knight?
Expensive Man: Just because I'm not a Knight now doesn't mean I was never one.
The Woman taps the Neat Man on his shoulder.
Woman: What time is it?
Neat Man: 19:05.
Woman: We're late. Why didn't you tell us the f*cking time?
The Neat Man shrugs and keeps fiddling with watch. Exeunt Omnes, with the Neat Man last.
(c)1998 Kevin Walsh, Balseraph of Nitpicking, Demon of Off-Topic Trivia.
Back to the INC Mainpage.
Back to the Fiction page.
Elizabeth McCoy <email@example.com>
Archangel of Archives