Songs of Convenience

By Moe Lane


These Songs are very much beloved by Soldiers of God. You see, one of the things that they don't tell you when you sign up to fight the forces of Hell is that sometimes you'll never have any time to run errands...

All of these Songs require 1 Essence to perform, have a permanent duration and cause no extra disturbance.


This Song will press and clean up to CD shirts/pants or one suit/dress.


Marc hands this out as part of the recruitment process. A successful performance of this Song will automatically and immediately deposit any amount of currency (including cashier's checks) into the performer's bank account. The performer may not use this Song on any cash that isn't his or hers!


This Song will accurately fill out CD lb. of government forms. Tax forms are not affected by this Song, due to the inherent Diabolical nature of such items, but Trade provides free accounting services to Soldiers of God anyway.

A variant of this Song (Renew License) completely obviates the need to ever visit any Department of Motor Vehicles, provided that the performer is deserving of a Drivers License. It cannot be used to fix tickets.

Access to the Songs of Forms has proven to be a stellar morale booster among modern Soldiers of God.


There are several different versions of this Song: each must be learned separately. Most Soldiers that know these Songs know at least two: after all, it looks awkward if you give the same gift for four Mother's Days straight.

Some currently known variants are:

Calendar (for the next year: type of calendar up to the performer, but nothing more risqué than mild cheesecake allowed);
Chocolate (produces 5 lb. of a reasonable variety of chocolates, complete with box and bow);
Flowers (produces a bouquet of the performer's choice);
and Sweaters (color and size up to the performer: comes with box and bow).


This Song, when cast on up to 2 lb. of mail, will immediately transport it to the nearest post office. By spending an additional point of Essence, the target mail will be transported so that it will arrive at its destination on the next business day. Appropriate postage is still required, or the equivalent in proper currency: this Song will make change.

A variant of this Song (Pick Up Mail) is also available: it will deposit the contents of a post office box in front of the performer. Items too big for the box may be acquired, at the cost of 1 Essence for every item retrieved. This Song will sign for the items.


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