Ever wonder...? (An alternate take)
By Cameron McCurry
...why there is no Demon of Hackers?
Don't be fooled; Hackers has the potential to become a powerful Word
for the side of Hell. And I'm not saying that there is a shortage of
Demons who want to earn the Word either. Demons of Dark Humor, Fate,
Media, Secrets, Technology and Theft can be found at any time vying for
the prestige of earning the title of Demon of Hackers.
Sure, there's a precis style explanation to all of this. But bear
with me; the longer version is better.
First of all, the competition for this Word has some pretty strict
rules. Any demon who wants it must have skill in computers beyond
knowing where the power switch is and the location of the any key (Yep.
Hell's computers have the any key. That's a story for another time).
In addition to computer skills, the candidate has to find out when
the competition is being held. This is accomplished by logging into
InfernoNet and checking the announcements. Of course, if you don't have
an account or a password for InfernoNet in the first place you're
So let's say the demon gets in (By earning an account or creating
one of their own). They still have to get to the test site, which is in
Vapula's lab. They have to decode the instructions and find their way
into the test site without blowing up, liquidating, electrocuting,
incenerating...ah to heck with it. This is Vapula's lab we're
discussing. You think it, it could happen to you.
Once they get to the test site, they have to take a 200 question
test. This is somewhat comprehensive and covers everything from how
computers talk to each other to advanced programming techniques.
At the end, there are no more than three demons who have made it
this far. And that's when competition begins. The
victi...err...candidates must abide by the following rules.
- They are to be on Earth for one year and promoting the Word of
- They may not engage in open hostilities towards each other (Hiring
flunkies is acceptable, but that's an unwritten rule).
- They must live at least 500 miles away from each other.
Once they agree to it, they are sent to Earth without delay. And
then it gets fun.
You see, Orc is pretty aware of this competition. And both Ord and
his friend and former servant Bedeul (The Angel of Geeks) really get
annoyed with it. So they break out their copies of Ways of Making a
Demon's Life Miserable (First edition, hardcover. Available at finer
angelic bookstores). And they are very dangerous when they work
The two angels keep an eye out for an increase in demonic hacking
activity. They are old enough that they have seen most of the tricks
and can recognize potential problem areas. Once they are certain that a
hacker is a demon and participating in the competition, they sit down
with a few monkey wrenches and get to work.
First time around, the demon notices that he is having trouble
connecting to the network. The hardware is fine, but it won't stay
connected for longer than a second. Even a Shedite of Technology runs
into problems with his laptop. The second time is when bigger problems
happen. Maybe the demon just joined a telemarketing company's mailing
list without knowing. Perhaps they have a problem trying to figure out
where some vital files are. Or they turned on their computer and are
greeted with a blank screen.
The demons with the high Ethereal Forces typically get the hint and
drop out of the competition at this point.
But for the persistent ones that are determined to stay with this
comes a real special reward. Orc and Bedeul have figured out that this
demon is not going to listen to reason and they are going to finish this
quickly. But they don't need to get their own wings bloody. Not when
there are several Michaelites that would love to pay this demon a visit
in return for some prototype weapon that Jean thinks needs field
testing. Or if the demon is living in seclusion in the woods with a T-1
line, Novalis and Jordi's people get to deal with the matter.
The record of survival in this competition is 4 months, 20 days, 13
hours and 26.334 seconds. And there have only been 9 candidates so far.
Final note about the competition. When the finalist is brutally
removed from existence, a certain Balseraph by the name of Sparky gets a
multimedia file. Sparky holds all calls and appointments for a half
hour, grabs a bag of chocolate coated popcorn and opens the file, which
turns out to be a film clip of the demon's last painful moments. (No one
knows how Orc got Sparky's email, where the film comes from or where
Sparky gets his popcorn. Don't bother asking.).
And yet, some demon thinks that they know how to win and that they
will try to enter the next time the competition begins...
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