Laurence's Special Swords

By Moe Lane and colleagues


The Archangel of the Sword is a straightforward sort of Malakite: normally, he doesn't bother with special gimmicks in his weapons. He doesn't need them: his ability to apotheosize any sword merely by touching it, coupled with his indecently high skill, is almost always enough.

That being said, Laurence retains various weapons that are dedicated to those rare times when he actually gets to engage Demon Princes in battle. He's aware that he probably won't get to kill any of them until Judgement Day ... but there's no reason why he can't get a good lick or two in before they manage to Run Away.

Besides, it's about the only outlet Laurence has for whatever stray impulses for low humor that might crop up from time to time. The other one is, apparently, the names of his swords. He never uses them himself (they were all coined by the more irreverent members of the Host), but he never takes anyone to task for using them in conversation, either.

Andrealphus - Called Not In the Face by anyone not within earshot of the Prince of Lust, this sword produces scars that simply cannot be removed from a vessel.

Asmodeus - Well, Enigma does something to change the Symphony, but Asmodeus still hasn't quite figured out what yet. Surely that much disturbance is diagnostic of something...

Baal - As related elsewhere, Baal actually has this particular sword, and Laurence hasn't gotten it back yet. Baal thinks that the situation demonstrates Laurence's essential cowardice. Of course, Laurence thinks that the situation demonstrates Baal's essential inability to take his opponents seriously, so it all works out.

Beleth - Ah, Polyanna: it sings, you understand. It sings "It's a Small World After All". Over and over and over again, just loud enough to be heard ... and anyone who is in range and who isn't a Superior will end up singing along after a while.

Belial - Actually, Brass Monkey is fairly normal - if you discount the fact that it has a perpetual internal temperature of 5 degrees. Kelvin.

Haagenti - Eleven-Foot Pole isn't really that long, of course, but it is the longest sword that Laurence has. He actually uses it outside of special occasions, interestingly enough: its ability to produce streams of manna on command is quite useful. It's also quite useful when he's chastising the Prince of Gluttony, of course: Laurence is very fond of poetic justice.

Kobal - Originally a Really, Really Tough Pen, Tickler ... well, you get the picture.

Kronos - Laurence has never gotten a clear bead on Kronos, mores the pity. Still, Reorg's ability to scramble the text of any book written in Infernal that it touches makes the Prince of Fate turn the most interesting shade of purple, so there are compensations.

Lilith - Laurence bears up under the Princess of Freedom's snide commentary about blades and phallic symbols quite well: after all, she's usually doing it while making a high-speed retreat. All it took to make the point was one demonstration of Amnesty's ability to slice away Geas-hooks...

Malphas - A baroque weapon, Exorcist is a two-bladed sword on one hilt. The first blade invariably decapitates the human host (or simply cuts it in two): the second instantly heals the damage caused by the first. The net result is a human that has been killed and resurrected in a millisecond ... which is just enough time for Malphas to suffer from Band-dissonance. He gets very annoyed when that happens.

Nybbas - One of the two swords that Jean has produced for Laurence by Jean, Off Switch's special effect is simple: successful strikes are accompanied by an electromagnetic pulse that shorts out all electronics within five yards. One Malakite of the Sword swears that she saw a direct hit make the static on Nybbas' glasses flicker for a second.

Saminga - Unlike other weapons in Laurence's arsenal, Elan Vital isn't precisely a sword. It's a shinai - you know, one of those bamboo practice weapons - and doesn't do damage. Indeed, it does the opposite: contact with it revitalizes dead flesh, reversing decay. Considering Death's dissonance conditions, this is incredibly rude... which is probably why Laurence accepted the 'weapon' from Mot ... Novalis in the first place.

Valefor - Hitting the Prince of Theft is tricky: Laurence can do it, of course, but it's much more fun when he uses Web-slinger. Swinging it causes sticky ropes to shoot out along the path, which can gum up anything that they touch. That's nice. The ropes are also impossible to properly get out of clothing and/or hair, which means that Valefor often looks fairly sloppy after a meeting with the Archangel of the Sword. That's nicer.

Vapula - The other sword created by Jean, the edge of Can Opener is one long molecule (for those of you who do not read Larry Niven, this means that it can cut through anything). Laurence finds it useful when he needs to cut through the killer death robot coating to get to the creamy Vapulaness inside. The above Malakite of the Sword is also on record as swearing that she was sure that she saw Can Opener cut through the Corporeal Song of Shields. This is untrue. What actually happened was that Laurence simply batted the Shield (and its performer) over a cliff. Such things are possible when you're an Archangel ... and your sword has a core of solid neutronium.

Eric Bertish adds:

Fleurity - Reefer Madness was made with help from Cherubim of Flowers and Mercurians of Fire. Each hit causes the the recipient to suffer the painful effects of withdrawal of a drug he has pushed onto others.

Furfur - Laurence's contempt for this Prince shows in his choice of weapon: it isn't a sword, you see, but a dagger balanced for throwing. Go Away, Kid, Ya Bother Me radiates silence for a hundred feet when it's unsheathed and buried in a target.

Mammon - Charity Is Better is Laurence's answer to Gordon Gekko's "Greed is Good." This rapier was a loaner once used by Marc, until Jason (smith to the Archangels; see crafted him a proper one. A successful hit converts the damage done into Essence, which is then fed through a reverse Head of a PIN effect. The resulting cash is then donated to a random Christian charity.

Magog - Nobody really likes to talk about this one, as it's the only one that required a field trip to gather the necessary ingredients. Laurence traveled to the ruins of Sodom to get the necessary ambience for Bend Over...

And Michael Walton adds:

Alaemon - This sword is actually two Relics in one. The blade contains a Superior-level Ethereal Song of Tongues; each successful hit extracts a piece of information from the target's mind and sends it to the hilt. The hilt contains a Celestial Song of Tongues addressed directly to Litheroy. The Prince of Secrets absolutely hates Grapevine.


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