Know Your Diabolicals: Christopher

By Moe Lane


Balseraphs - "Lying is bad: we know that anyway, but a Balseraph just proves it. Kids are really observant, of course, so Liars have some problems keeping all their lies straight around them. Show up these demons, make them look ridiculous, and they won't be nearly as dangerous to your kids."

Djinn - "They can be pretty easy to handle: they don't want to bother with anything, so having a strong defense right from the start will usually warn them off. Keep them away from the playgrounds, though - or, if nothing else works, try to get them to break an Attunement ahead of the time. They can actually be useful then, if they fail."

Calabim - "The only nice thing about facing a Calabite is that, when they show up, the gloves come off anyway. Go head-to-head with a clear conscience: either they aren't going for a specific target, in which case they can be 'persuaded' to go bother somebody else, or else it was a battle to the death anyway. Just try to keep them from taking it personally."

Habbalah - "Test to destruction? Sure. Let's start with you."

Lilim - "The only time we see these demons is when one wants to do a little long-term planning. Remember to make sure that your kids never take candy from strangers, and then 'convince' the Tempters to go play with adults. *Just* *never* *look* *into* *their* *eyes*."

Shedim - "If they're in an adult, shoot them with the largest weapon that you have and finish the job when they go celestial. If they're in a kid, get a Servitor of Dreams, Animals or the Sword that knows the Song of Banishing, have them kick the Corrupter out, *then* finish them off. Make it _hurt_ before you kill it, though: make it scream and beg for mercy before you rip it into little pieces and dance on them. Make sure that you've taped the whole thing so that you can send it to his friends. After a while, they'll get the point."

Impudites - "Leeches, but ones that usually like to go for adults. If you find one around your kids, well, most Takers are scared of hitting humans. Threatening to have a tide of twelve year olds swarm over them can be funny - but make sure that they aren't working for Death or the War first! Threats usually cause them to move on: you won't always have to kill them."


Andrealphus - "Go for the face, then for the throat. In most civilized countries, the police will be very understanding about someone 'accidentally' killing a child molester when he's been caught in the act. If there's no evidence, manufacture some, silly!"

Asmodeus - "They like to keep quiet, and don't want to attract attention - besides, sometimes you and they will have the same targets. By all means, let them have first shot at a mutual annoyance. If you have to kill one, try and make it look like a Renegade did it."

Baal - "Usually, hurting kids is beneath them - they're too busy trying to look good by attacking Michael's forces. The exceptions will have to be stamped on thoroughly, though: Trauma just isn't good enough."

Beleth - "Hard to fight: this is one time where getting in Servitors of Dreams is necessary. Luckily, there usually isn't any evidence to cover up afterwards."

Belial - "To them, kids are just part of the scenery that they're trying to burn down. First priority is to get your charges out of the line of fire. Once that's taken care of, well, Gabriel's people just love to meet up with a Servitor of Infernal Fire..."

Haagenti - "There are two types: the ones that like to turn children into Gluttons, and the ones that like to turn children into lunch. The first can be safely vessel-killed; soul-death is too good for the second type, but be generous and obliterate them anyway, with Extreme Messiness."

Kobal - "His Servitors are - usually - more bad examples than anything else. The best way to deal with them is to show exactly how pitiful they really are. Those that want to hurt kids as part of one of their Jokes can be killed with near impunity, thankfully: apparently, their Prince finds it wonderfully ironic."

Kronos - "Dour, always looking over their shoulders, and addicted to long-term thinking: they're dangerous to have around. Get a Servitor of Destiny to advise you on the best way to keep everything nice and unsubtle. Remember, though, that everything is personal to a Servitor of Fate: they have to succeed, no matter what. They're more afraid of their boss than you, so keep your kids far away from the battlefield."

Lilith - "She's had a ... mixed ... impact on the lives of children. Sometimes a servant of Freedom is actually doing us a favor with whatever she's doing. Evaluate them carefully, but don't ever assume that they'll be consistently helpful."

Malphas - "Best to get them early, before they do too much damage. NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD THAT THEY SAY! They love to try to confuse us about our duties. If you do listen, and end up thinking that they may have a point about something, immediately go to Christopher for reassignment. He'll understand."

Nybbas - "God, these guys make our lives more difficult than anyone else in Hell. The best defense against them is the off switch, really. Those showing up in person usually have too many corporeal connections to kill safely, but keep in mind that their Prince will betray them in a second for better ratings. If one has to be killed, call in War or Stone or the Sword - Servitors of Laurence especially enjoy smacking these demons around."

Saminga - "They hate children. We hate them, so it's even. Don't even bother trying to scare them off first before you kill them."

Valefor - "A bad example to trump all other bad examples. Luckily, they don't stick around, so you're better off just minimizing the damage that they do and picking off the weaker members of the pack. Cops tend to be understanding about corpses with violent criminal records, especially if it looks like that they got that way thanks to a botched kidnapping attempt."

Vapula - "We only see them when they need test subjects. Run them through their own experiment, take lots of notes, and send them and the results back (send anything useful along to Jean's people, of course). Oddly enough, Vapula seems to think that it's usually a fair trade."


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