Leitmotiv: Haagenti - The Hunger
By Rolland Therrien
Do you know what Hunger is?
Some people skip out on a meal, then they feel the small cramps in
their guts, and they think they know Hunger.
Other people fast, surviving on nothing but gruel and water, living
on the barest essentials as their bodies weaken, and they think they
Imagine denying yourself sustenance of nearly any kind for a whole
month, surviving through some unknown means, but not without your body
suffering from the starvation.
Imagine feeling your guts shrivel and painfully collapse in on
themselves from the emptyness, even as your body remains strong.
Imagine a gnawing sensation which forces you to devour as much as you
can, without ever ridding yourself of that agonizing hunger...
Then, you can talk about Hunger.
And that sensation you just imagined is a mere case of the munchies,
compared to Haagenti's Hunger.
And Haagenti is always hungry.
In Shal-Mari, those bellowed words are as frightening as Godzilla's
roar in Tokyo, as they announce the approach of the Prince of Gluttony.
On that day, as Haagenti stomped his way through the streets of the
city of vice, Demons and Damned Souls alike ran for cover, careful of
standing between the Gluttonous one and any foodsource he sought out,
for fear of being confused with said foudsource. Only the various
Food vendors stood their ground, quaking in fear as they knew He would
soon reach their stands at one time or another...
Soon enough, the Gluttonous Prince walked down the street, in a
variation of his favored form, appearing as a 12 foot tall hairy, Spur
covered demon with a huge gaping maw ringed with razor sharp teeth.
He turned to look at the street vendors and suddenly a large, tentacle
like tongue lept from between the teeth to lick his lips as the
maw curled up into a twisted kind of smile. The Demonic and Damned
Vendors nearly feinted right there, but soon recovered out of habit
and began serving up large servings of their products: Huge Trays of
Hot Dogs, Platters of Tacos, Bowlfuls of French Fries, Baskets of
Pretzels, Armful of Donuts, Buckets of Ice Cream... All of which
soon vanished into the Dread Prince's gullet, as he devoured the
offerings eagerly, until it was all gone. Then he grabbed the vendors
and devoured them, as well. He then stood in the quiet, empty streets
for a moment more, and then screamed:
"I STILL HUNGER!!!"
Haagenti then walked back towards the heart of his princedom, the
restaurant District of Shal-Mari, and looked around at the different
eateries. He stuck out his tongue and waved it in the air again,
taking in the different fragrences and scents much as a snake would,
before turning to a large french-like diner called "The Titan's Meal."
His form shifted slightly, before transforming into that of a large
and rotund horned humanoid, a fine italian suit stretched out across
his form in an almost ridiculous manner, then slowly walked through
the door and glared at the Maitre'D, A skinny Balseraph who was
already trembling nervously. "M-m-my P-p-Prince... H-How m-may I b-be
Haagenti smiled, exposing his shark-like dentures, and said "Table for
One, please," as he straightened his tie.
The Serpent gulped and nodded. "Yes... At once, My Prince." He quickly
walked into the restaurant and called out to the various personel, "The
Prince is here! Everyone ready for a Princely Feast!"
At once, the various Waiters, Stewards and Cooks scrambled like an
emergency task force, dropping everything else for the urgent task of
preparing the Prince's food as quickly as inhumanly possible. They
knew Haagenti hated to wait. The various patrons already in the
restaurant soon excused themselves, as not only they knew they wouldn't
get any service, they realized they might end up becoming part of the
Feast as well, if they weren't careful.
Only seconds afterwards, however, the Maitre'D rushed back towards
Haagenti and waived him in. "I'm s-sorry for the delay, Dread Prince...
Please follow me to your table, Milord..." he said, before muttering
under his breath "Oh-lucifer-please-don't-eat-me-please-don't-eat-me."
Soon enough, Haagenti was sitting at a large center table, the Maitre'D
standing beside him as the wine Steward approached with a selection of
wines for his approval. Haagenti approved, and began drinking from
all the bottles, as the waiters brought up the first course, a huge vat
filled with soup. The Maitre'D announced the platter as it approached
"Your Entree, my Prince: The Boullabaise of the Kings of the Sea!
Fish, Shrimp, Crab, Lobster, Octopus and Shellfish of a countless
types, cooked into a fine soup with a cajun flavoring!"
Haagenti grinned as he grabbed the vat and held the soup vat
effortlessly to his lips, greedily gulping down the soup as it flowed,
the waiters quickly running back to the kitchen for the rest. The
Serpent felt himself grow blank as he witnessed the Prince's Hunger
at work, but kept his apparant cool as the waiters returned in a line,
each carrying a large platter with a roasted sheep on top of it. The
Serpent simply continued announcing the meal as it approached, as he
had done countless times before: "The Lambchop Holocaust! Two dozen
sheep, roasted and basted with care! A feast made for a wolf!"
And indeed, Haagenti soon wolfed down the plates of mutton one by one,
as the waiters returned to the kitchens, where the cooks were straining
to keep up with the Prince's devouring. Four of them soon returned
with a huge platter holding a finely roasted Bull. A Whole Bull.
"The Toreador's Victory! A prize fighting bull, slaugthered and
roasted over an open flame!" Haagenti smiled and soon started to eat
the large bull roast, while the waiters returned with another platter,
carrying what at first seemed like another bull, but the Prince soon
saw an udder on it's belly. "The Tauro's widow! A little bit more
bitter, but still finely roasted!" Haagenti shrugged and soon started
eating it as well, when two more waiters came back in, each one carrying
a plate of Veal. Haagenti paused long enough to look at the waiter
with curiosity, before the Serpent added; "The Tauro's Orphans. We
don't believe in seperating families."
As Haagenti finished off the bull's family, another group of waiters
arrived, carrying a huge omelett in a large plate, as the Maitre'D,
now somewhat more relaxed, announced it: "The Titan's Omelett! Three
dozen chicken eggs, mixed with the eggs of a hundred different species
of birds and reptiles: Ostrichs, Kiwis, Cobras, Tortoises, Flamingoes,
Alligators..." The Gluttonous One ignored the Balseraph as he kept
enumerating the different types of eggs and just took his ustensiles to
eat the omelett. Then another pair of waiters came in, carrying a
huge platter, which the Maitre'D identified as "The Mountain of
Caviar!" They were then followed by a single small Waiter carrying a
puny platter, holding only a small soda cracker. "And the Biscotti that
goes with it."
Then, came the more exotic dishes of food, the likes of which you'd
normally not find in your average restaurant: "The Camel! It's good,
and oddly stuffed!"; "The Chinese Panda! Fire Roasted and spiced
with bamboo shavings, it's an endangered treat!"; "The Sperm Whale!
Stuffed with fish and sea-food, it's a delight from the deep!";
"And before proceeding with the rest of the meal, the African Elephent,
stuff with Olives!"
An hour later, Haagenti finally left the restaurant, patting his
enlarged belly and licking his lips, leaving the Maitre'D consoling
the crying chef, a Damned Soul: "He... He ate EVERYTHING! Our stocks
are empty! We don't even have enough for tomorrow!"
The Balseraph nodded. "I know, Pierre, I know... But at least he didn't
eat us, right?"
The poor Damned Human nodded, but sighed again, "I know, I know... But
I wish he hadn't asked "So, what's the second Course?" after we ran out
Meanwhile, Haagenti had shifted back to his previous form, and
continued to walk through the streets of Shal-Mari, smiling contently,
until he began feeling that twisting pain in his stomach once more.
His smile turned into a frown as he stood in place, then started
talking to himself as he scratched his belly. "Hmm... Must be noon
twelve. I always get hungry at noon twelve."
And before the restaurant district of Shal-Mari could allow itself to
relax, the voice of the Dread Prince of Gluttony resonnated through
it again, screaming its familiar cry:
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