Top Ten Ways to Post Like a Conspiracy Lunatic
The secret masters recently culled this little gem from Usenet. Planning on filling mailing lists or newsgroups with incoherent Illuminati plots? Look like a pro by taking this advice.
From: "Daniel O. Myers"
Recently rejected by the Letterman show (which reveals the fact that Letterman is an Illuminati stooge), this top-secret file fell into my hands by accident when I found my smoked salmon wrapped in it. If this sounds fishy to you, imagine how it smells.
Top Ten Ways To Post Like A Conspiracy Lunatic
10. Have no sense of humor, irony or whimsy.
9. The fact that an "official" investigation shows there was no conspiracy is not evidence that the conspiracy does not exist; rather, it is evidence that the conspiracy does exist. Otherwise, why would they deny it?
8. Use "quotation" marks, *highlighting*, CAPITAL LETTERS and exclamation points!!!! indiscriminately.
Example: All the "official" photographs of the Roswell "debris" are clearly photographs of weather balloon material, *proving* CONCLUSIVELY that the "government" *removed* the REAL remains and substituted the balloon parts in a vain attempt at a COVERUP!!!!!!!
7.Follow up every non-sequitor with "COINCIDENCE?"
Example: NASA, the same organization that says the face on Mars is *not* a sign of intelligent life, also used Tang on its early missions. Tang is a product of General Foods, which owns the candy bar manufacturer Mars, Inc. COINCIDENCE?
6. The most tenuous of connections between a person who debunks your theory and the alleged conspirators is cause to disregard the debunker.
Example: Dr. Levin P. Stacy of Michigan State University, a "journalism" professor, argues that the Roswell "phenomena" is merely an example of millinerian "hysteria," and that no coverup exists. However, STACY WORKS AT A PUBLICLY FUNDED UNIVERSITY, WHICH RELIES HEAVILY ON GOVERNMENT GRANTS!!!!
5. Insert examples of how your personal life has been wrecked because the conspirators know you are on to them. If your significant other has left you, it's not because of the tinfoil hat you've taken to wearing, it's because "they" got to him or her.
4. Always put commonly accepted descriptions in quotation marks. Examples: "British" Royal Family, press "commentator," "progressive" thinker. Also, make sure you never report anyone as "saying" anything, they always "claim" it.
3. Insist that the experts know nothing, and that all you need is the Bible, the Constitution, Black's Law Dictionary and a handgun to prove your point.
2. Make it up as you go along.
And the Number One Way to Post Like a Conspiracy Lunatic:
1. You're not cleared for that.