The X Fools

by Doc Cross

Art by Phil Foglio and Colored by Keith Johnson

Greetings, fellow Toonsters! In the never-ending quest to find new sources of material to fine Toon, we hereby present to you our version of the X Files cast along with a few adventure seeds. Use them in your Toon games in any way you see fit and remember . . . The Spoof Is Out There.

Fax Muledeer

Muledeer is a six-foot-tall humanoid deer. He has short antlers and a rather large nose. He usually wears dark suits. Fax is the TBI (Toony Bureau of Investigation) agent in charge of the X Files. X Files cases involve strange, unexplainable and paranormal events. Fax is the perfect person to investigate these cases, because ever since his sister was abducted by aliens he believes in all of that kind of stuff. Aliens, monsters, spontaneous human combustion, worldwide conspiracies, psychic powers, mind-controlling roleplaying games about cartoon characters . . . Fax is sure they all exist. In fact, his superiors at the TBI put him on the X Files just to shut him up. It didn't work very well.

Fax lives in a small apartment and has few friends. In fact, he is a bit of a nerd when he's not actually investigating a case. About the only people he ever hangs around with are the Lone Punmen, and they are so geeky that even other geeks avoid them. Fax does seem to like his partner, Dana Screwy, but it has never ocurred to him to ask her out on a date.

Agent Muledeer always carries a gun, a cell phone that works anywhere under any circumstances, and a copy of the Audabomb Guide to Aliens & Monsters in his back pocket. His Natural Enemies are Worldwide Conspiracies, Aliens, Mutants and Monsters.

Beliefs and Goals: Strange paranormal events do happen. (Note: Yes they do, but this is Toon, so most characters will hardly notice them.) There are monsters and mutants out there. (Note: See previous note.) Aliens do visit out planet and they kidnapped my sister, Samantha. (Note: His sister was not kidnapped by aliens. She actually just changed her name and went to live with the family down the street to get away from her nutty brother.) A powerful conspiracy that reaches to the uppermost levels of world governments is keeping all of this secret. (Note: The conspiracy does exist, but they aren't much of a secret. They are listed in the yellow pages of the phone book under "Worldwide Conspiracies.") I will find out what happened to my sister and expose the conspiracy. (Note: Yeah, right.) Along the way, maybe I can get my partner, Screwy, to believe that these things are real. (Note: Never gonna happen.)

Hit Points: 10
Speed: 5

Muscle: 5
   Break Down Door: 6
   Climb: 6
   Fight: 7
   Pick Up Heavy Thing: 5
   Throw: 6

Zip: 6
   Dodge: 7
   Drive Vehicle: 8
   Fire Gun: 9
   Jump: 6
   Ride: 6
   Run: 8
   Swim: 6

Smarts: 8
   Hide/Spot Hidden: 10
   Identify Dangerous Thing: 9
   Read: 10
   Resist Fast-Talk: 9
   See/Hear/Smell: 9
   Set/Disarm Trap: 8
   Track/Cover Tracks: 9

Chutzpah: 7
   Fast-Talk: 9
   Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods: 7
   Sleight of Hand: 7
   Sneak: 9

Shticks:
   Know Obscure Fact: 10
   Talk To Monsters: 5

Dana Screwy

Agent Screwy is just about the complete opposite of Agent Muledeer. She refuses to believe in anything strange or paranormal, even if she sees it. Dana will always try to find the logical scientific reason why something happens. If she ever is present when something totally weird happens, her Incredibly Bad Luck will kick in and she will be knocked unconcious, boggled, blinded or otherwise made unable to witness any proof of what Muledeer has tried to show her. Muledeer, on the other hand, sees strange beings and events all the time.

Dana Screwy is a doctor and a scientist. She was put on the X Files to prove that Muldeer is crazy (What? Crazy Toon characters? No way!), but she keeps wanting to believe that he might be onto something. She thinks they might have a logical explanation, although she has no clue what it might be. She DOES believe in the Conspiracy, but she thinks that it is mostly involved in mundane things like making VCRs impossible to program and feeding kids mystery meat in school cafeterias.

Agent Screwy has red hair and dresses in dark suits, like most other TBI agents do. At 5 feet tall, this humanoid squirrel doesn't look tough, but she is. She always carries a gun, a cell phone just like Muledeer has, and an evidence collection kit in her back Pocket. Her Natural Enemies are Worldwide Conspiracies and Male Chauvinists.

Beliefs and Goals: Muledeer can't be right, but there are unexplained things going on. All I need to do is find the scientific explanation and everything will be okay. There is a conspiracy out there and I'll help Muledeer expose it. I don't take any guff from macho men. I'm going to try to help Muledeer be less of a dork.

Hit Points: 9
Speed: 5

Muscle: 4
   Break Down Door: 4
   Climb: 6
   Fight: 7
   Pick Up Heavy Thing: 4
   Throw: 7

Zip: 6
   Dodge: 8
   Drive Vehicle: 9
   Fire Gun: 11
   Jump: 5
   Ride: 7
   Run: 7
   Swim: 7

Smarts: 10
   Hide/Spot Hidden: 10
   Identify Dangerous Thing: 11 (5 if it is an alien dangerous thing)
   Read: 10
   Resist Fast-Talk: 11
   See/Hear/Smell: 10
   Set/Disarm Trap: 10
   Track/Cover Tracks: 11

Chutzpah: 6
   Fast-Talk: 7
   Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods: 9
   Sleight of Hand: 7
   Sneak: 9

Shticks:
   Incredibly Bad Luck: 11

Assistant Director Skinny

Walter Skinny is an Assistant Director of the TBI and Muledeer and Screwy's boss. He knows all about the worldwide conspiracy and doesn't like the fact that they force him to help cover things up. He tries to get Muledeer and Screwy to not investigate things the conspiracy is involved in, but they do it anyway. Skinny actually does believe in some of the weird things Muledeer investigates, but he won't risk his career on things that have no hard proof. Except hair-growing tonics.

Assistant Director Skinny is a 6-foot, 4-inch tall humanoid cat with a bald head and glasses. He usually wears the official TBI dark suit, but without the jacket. Skinny is pretty strong and can kick some butt if he gets mad. His Natural Enemies are Worldwide Conspiracies and people who call him "Baldy." He carries a gun, a TBI rules and regulations book and a bottle of hair growing tonic in his Back Pocket.

Beliefs and Goals: Muledeer and Screwy need to follow the rules, even if they are onto something paranormal. Try to convince them not to oppose the conspiracy. If you can't do that, then at least try to keep the conspiracy from making them Fall Down. Mess up conspiracy plans if you get the chance. Keep trying hair growth tonics. One of them has to work.

Hit Points: 12
Speed: 6

Muscle: 8
   Break Down Door: 9
   Climb: 8
   Fight: 10
   Pick Up Heavy Thing: 8
   Throw: 9

Zip: 6
   Dodge: 9
   Drive Vehicle: 7
   Fire Gun: 8
   Jump: 8
   Ride: 6
   Run: 9
   Swim: 7

Smarts: 7
   Hide/Spot Hidden: 8
   Identify Dangerous Thing: 9
   Read: 9
   Resist Fast-Talk: 11
   See/Hear/Smell: 8
   Set/Disarm Trap: 8
   Track/Cover Tracks: 8

Chutzpah: 8
   Fast-Talk: 8
   Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods: 8
   Sleight of Hand: 8
   Sneak: 8

Shticks:
   Incredible Luck: 6

The Bubblegum Chewing Man

This guy is the head honcho of the worldwide conspiracy. Called BCM for short, he is responsible for all of the secret projects and alien collaborations that Muledeer and Screwy stumble upon. He always manages to cover things up before the agents can expose things. BCM knows what happened to Muledeer's sister, as well as other big secrets like what really happened at Roswell and why hot dogs come 10 to a pack but hotdog buns come 8 to a pack.

BCM is a 5-foot, 10-inch human with dark hair and a wrinkled face that almost never shows any emotion. He speaks in a very calm, but tired sounding voice. BCM contantly chews bubblegum and blows bubbles in people's faces. This guy is very dangerous and will not hesitate to drop an anvil on the head of anybody that gets in his way. He carries a gun, a stick of dynamite and a five-pound bag of bubblegum in his Back Pocket. His Natural Enemies are Everybody.

Beliefs and Goals: Nothing must stop the conspiracy from achieving its goals, whatever they are. I can never quite remember. Make sure that Muledeer and Screwy never can prove anything. If anyone gets in my way, I'll make them Fall Down. Always carry plenty of bubblegum.

The X Fools

Hit Points: 11
Speed: 4

Muscle: 4
   Break Down Door: 5
   Climb: 4
   Fight: 5
   Pick Up Heavy Thing: 4
   Throw: 5

Zip: 4
   Dodge: 6
   Drive Vehicle: 9
   Fire Gun: 9
   Jump: 5
   Ride: 4
   Run: 5
   Swim: 6

Smarts: 9
   Hide/Spot Hidden: 11
   Identify Dangerous Thing: 11
   Read: 10
   Resist Fast-Talk: 11
   See/Hear/Smell: 9
   Set/Disarm Trap: 9
   Track/Cover Tracks: 9

Chutzpah: 9
   Fast-Talk: 9
   Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods: 9
   Sleight of Hand: 10
   Sneak: 11

Shticks:
   Maximum Boggle: 9
   Change Shape: 7
   Incredible Luck: 10

The Lone Punmen

The Lone Punmen are three guys who spend all of their waking hours investigating conspiracies and writing about them in a newsletter and on the internet. They are also pretty interested in anything paranormal, so naturally they are friends of Muledeers. If Muledeer or Screwy have a question about something strange or need a piece of evidence analyzed, they will come to the Lone Punmen.

The Punmen don't seem to do much besides hang around their secret headquarters talking about conspiracy theories and goofing around on the internet. Once in awhile they play roleplaying games like Dungeons & Toons or Mektoon. They are all terribly geeky and try to flirt with Agent Screwy every time they see her. Their Natural Enemies are Worldwide Conspiracies, Cool People and Monsters Who Eat Nerds. They carry anything the Animator thinks is funny in their Back Pockets.

The Lone Punmen are Shmohicky (a short humanoid frog), Gangly (a tall skinny humanoid dog), and Fryers (a tall humanoid chicken).

Beliefs and Goals: Conspiracies are everywhere! The truth must be told, even though everyone thinks we are crazy. Help Muledeer and Screwy whenever possible. Dana Screwy is a fab babe! We should try to remember to get lives someday.

Hit Points: 7
Speed: 4

Muscle: 3
   Break Down Door: 3
   Climb: 4
   Fight: 3
   Pick Up Heavy Thing: 4
   Throw: 3

Zip: 4
   Dodge: 4
   Drive Vehicle: 6
   Fire Gun: 4
   Jump: 5
   Ride: 4
   Run: 5
   Swim: 5

Smarts: 9
   Hide/Spot Hidden: 9
   Identify Dangerous Thing: 11
   Read: 11
   Resist Fast-Talk: 10 (2 versus good looking women)
   See/Hear/Smell: 9
   Set/Disarm Trap: 9
   Track/Cover Tracks: 9

Chutzpah: 4
   Fast-Talk: 4
   Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods: 6
   Sleight of Hand: 4
   Sneak: 4

Shticks:
   Know Obscure Fact: 11
   Weird Science: 10
   Contacts & Informants On The Internet: 9

X Fools Adventure Seeds




Article publication date: October 27, 2000


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