Professor Pfiffen-Pfeffer (The Big Cheese)
by Rik Kershaw-Moore
Note: The Big Cheese's stats are presented in parentheses.
Beliefs & Goals: Der vorld vould be der better place mit gadgets. Vith mine gadgets I can be makink der vorld happier. Ah-ah-ah-choo! (Ah, as you can see I am the consummate villain. I will take over the world, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Ah-ah-ah-choo!)
Hit Points: 7 (10)
Break Down Door 3 (5)
Climb 3 (3)
Fight 3 (5)
Pick Up Heavy Things 3 (4)
Dodge 4 (6)
Drive Vehicle 6 (4)
Fire Gun 4 (6)
Jump 4 (4)
Ride 4 (4)
Run 4 (4)
Swim 4 (4)
Hide/Spot Hidden 6 (6)
Identify Dangerous Things 11 (9)
Read 8 (6)
Resist Fast Talk 9 (9)
See/Hear/Smell 8 (6)
Track/Cover Tracks 6 (6)
Fast Talk 5 (8)
Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods 8 (8)
Sleight of Hand 7 (6)
Sneak 5 (5)
Change Shape: 7
Bag of Many Wrong Things: 5 -- This is a like a standard bag of many things except that whatever is pulled out is always totally wrong and useless.
(Change Shape 7, Teleport 6)
Quote: Somevere is der lever zat vill change der vorld, all I am havink to do iz findink it. (No Mr Stocks, I expect you to cry!)
Professor Pfiffen-Pfeffer is your classic 4-foot high cartoon duck in a white lab coat; the right pocket of which is a bag of many wrong things. He has the usual yellow bill and black feathers except, for a mass of white feathers that flop uncontrollably across his face. He is also extremely absent-minded, speaks with a heavy Teutonic accent, and works at Anytown University.
The good professor has a serious problem. He is violently allergic to an astonishingly wide variety of substances. In fact, his sneezes are so violent and long drawn out that they catapult him out of shot, and cause him to change into the evil genius known as the Big Cheese.
The Big Cheese is a sinister looking 4-foot high white mouse (also with allergies). This evil genius has waxed and curled whiskers and wears impeccably tailored black suits with matching black gloves. The Big Cheese has one ambition: to rule the World; strangely enough, he tries to achieve this goal by using the good professor's inventions. So far no one has worked out that the Big Cheese and Professor Pfiffen-Pfeffer are one and the same. In fact, neither the Big Cheese or Professor Pfiffen-Pfeffer are aware of this fact.
So what makes these two characters sneeze? Well it can be anything from the mundane (pepper) to the esoteric (Foogle Bird feathers), depending on what the animator feels is appropriate. There is, however, a 50 percent chance that the substance that made the Professor change will not make the Big Cheese sneeze. Also if either the Big Cheese or the Professor are knocked down, then there is a 50 percent chance that when they come round they will flip characters.
In a desperate attempt to help reduce the amount of needless violence in Anytown, Professor Pfiffen-Pfeffer came up with the Amourizor, a raygun shaped device that shoots out an incoherent stream of strange attractor particles. The upshot of which is that anyone who gets zapped by the pink mist ray will instantly fall in love with his or her mortal enemies. Cats suddenly love dogs, and mice will treat cats with great affection and so on. In short, total chaos, and guess who has the ray now?
Not only will the Characters have to work out a way of taking the Amourizor off the Big Cheese, but they need to work out how to reverse the effects of the ray.
The Weather Machine
In the last couple of days Anytown's weather has become very erratic, and the populations of "real" penguins and ducks has mushroomed, whilst showers of cows and anvils have risen dramatically.
After a while, when things apparently can't get any stranger it is revealed that the Big Cheese is behind all this high weirdness. He has taken control of the weather using Professor Pfiffen-Pfeffer's weather machine.
The Weather machine is a 30-foot high black cube of metal with a parabolic dish on top. The machine has a control panel with a small screen, a keyboard, a large black lever, a large read lever and a six position selector switch labelled N, R, S, H, C, and U.
To operate the machine you first select a type of weather, then enter the coordinates of where you want the weather to happen and pull the black lever. If you don't enter the coordinates then the weather will happen directly above the machine. When you want the weather to stop simply push the black lever back to its starting point. Oh and whatever you do, don't pull the red lever . . . this makes the machine explode.
The Dial Settings:
A typical nice sunny day.
A small black cloud will move in and block out the sun. Then it starts to rain. Within seconds the characters will find themselves up to their knees in water, and ducks will swim past. If the rain isn't stopped then it will quickly submerge the characters, and shark fins will slice through the water. Switching the machine off will make the water drain away but the ducks will hang around for a while, getting under everyone's feet.
Snow is very similar to rain except that the black cloud dispenses mammoth quantities of snow. The characters will instantly become living snowmen, and penguins and polar bears will turn up to harass them.
The black cloud scuds across the sky, produces a megaphone and screams "Hey Taxi!" Roll on the "Call Me a Taxi" Table for the result.
Moooooooooooooooooo . . . thud! Speaks for itself really. Cows start dropping from the sky. By some strange quirk of fate the cows are being deliberately aimed at the characters. The cows probably want to use the characters as a cushion. It will take liberal use of Dodge rolls to avoid being boggled and flattened by incoming cattle. Those who don't get out of the way take 3 dice damage.
Anything the animator wants. Anvils are a good all round choice, but if you are fresh out of ideas the feel free to consult the "Things Falling From Sky" Table.
Article publication date: January 26, 2001
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