Outtakes from the Shal-Mari Bond Movies

By GR Cogman (maya@tcp.co.uk)


More Out-Takes


** JO looks at her watch and paces up and down a corridor outside the men's room.

MICHAEL walks round the corner and almost into her. **

JO: (blushing horribly) Oh. Um. Sorry.. my fault. Silly me. Gosh.

MICHAEL: Fortunately for you, I have trained combat reflexes.

JO: And we all think they are great! Actually, I don't suppose you could maybe do me a favour? Could you go and chase the Impudites out of there, I think they've been checking their make-up and fixing their hair for at least an hour now and really we'd like to get on.

MICHAEL: (slow smile) Not a problem.

** MICHAEL boots the door open and disappears inside. Approximately 30 seconds later KOBAL, NYBBAS and ANDREALPHAS scurry out and all pause simultaneously to adjust their jackets. **

JO: Thataway, guys, if you don't mind. Time is money and so forth. You all look terrific!

ANDRE: Good enough to eat?

JO: Sure!

KOBAL: (to ANDRE) It won't work. Look at her.

** JO brightens a bit as MICHAEL emerges from the men's room **

NYBBAS: It must be the axe. Chicks love the chopper.

MICHAEL: (leans on his axe as the demons leave) Now, about that fake blood?



Dominic, ranting : "Do you have any idea of what you are suggesting? The sheer blow to accuracy, the magnitude of historical crime, the utter vileness of those words if they are inscribed as suggested, the..." He runs short of words, and indicates the piled tomes on the table beside him. "I go to all the trouble of researching the classical forms, the accurate texts, and you, you..." He storms off.

Maya, limply, as he storms away : "I only suggested we jazz it up a little."


** The set canteen. DOMINIC is facing off against MICHAEL. JO and MAYA are drinking coffee at another table. **

MAYA: Come on, we have to separate them! We can't have a punch up in here, the insurance won't cover it. You take one and I'll take the other.


MAYA: No chance. Dominic isn't talking to me after that thing last night, so you'll just have to find something to distract him!

JO: (mutters darkly about wishing he wasn't talking to her either)

MAYA: (to Michael, brightly) Hey there! Sorry to interrupt but you did offer that if any of us wanted to see your new disembowel-with-one-stroke technique we might be able to find time today? How about right now?

MICHAEL: (hefting the axe) It would be my pleasure.

MAYA: (cough) I meant in the other room, with the tailor's dummies...

JO: (to Dominic, unconvincingly) Did I ever tell you that you rock my world? Could I have your autograph?

DOMINIC: All is vanity, sayeth the preacher.

JO: It's so cool that you know the entire bible in 37 different languages. I think I .. err.. really need to know more about Deuteronomy. Right now!

DOMINIC: (pause) Yes. You do.


JO: OK. Now do you understand what we want you to do, Novalis.

NOVALIS: (adjusting her bikini) Oh, I think so. I'm not really very happy about having to do a scene with a gun though, dear. I don't suppose we could substitute something else, at least in the practice?

JO: I don't see why not. Have a banana... Now, places everyone!

NOVALIS: (arranging herself around Michael's legs -- she picks a banana out of her thigh holster and kisses it, then peels it and starts to eat it in a very suggestive manner)

JO: Hello? You weren't supposed to eat the gun!

** All the men in the room are completely entranced as NOVALIS finishes her banana. No-one at all is listening to JO **

JO: I suppose we can try with another banana. Places, please! Oh, come on guys!! Its only a banana! Could we have a little professionalism here?

NOVALIS: (produces another banana and twines closer to Michael, offering him some from her fingertips)

JO: (sighs) Fine, OK. Let's all go bananas. I give up!

NOVALIS: (licking her fingers, still suggestively) I was hungry, dear. Besides, this is so much more /fun/.


<SCENE> Vapula and Belial, arguing and tussling over a raygun with pack.

Vapula : "No, no, no, no, no!"

Belial, snivelling : "It's not fair. They want me to use a _revolver_. I want a real gun. Look, for old times sakes, can't you get me at least a decent flamethrower..."

Vapula : "I left a flamethrower out for you on the props table."

Belial, looking over his shoulder at a building in flames guiltily, then back at the flamethrower again : "Just one little zap, you'll never notice it was gone..."



Maya, pointing at the props table. There is an elegant quilloned highly-polished gleaming sword there. Laurence, beside her, regards it with disgust.

Laurence : "Call that a sword? That's not a sword." (draws his own blade with a flourish and poses) "Now That is a Sword." Maya, watching dreamily : "Er, product names, trademarks..." (she gives in and just makes big eyes at him wistfully)



Andrealphus and Valefor, arguing as they sit stylishly and drink coffee.

Andrealphus : "Do not."

Valefor : "Do so."

Andrealphus : "I got the script from Lilith. Do not."

Valefor hoiks out his own copy of the script, and skims through it, counting on his fingers. "Do so."

Both of them wave at Jo, who is passing by. Jo blinks, looks uncertain, and nervously approaches.

Andrealphus : "Tell me, dear..."

Valefor : "Really, it's nothing important, just a minor little matter..."

Andrealphus and Valefor together : "Which of us gets the bigger motorcycle?"



Maya and Jo survey a table full of shotguns that have been twisted into sad little pretzels of metal. Behind them, Baal and Eli are exchanging world-weary looks.

Eli : "I told you David wouldn't be interested."

Maya : "But what about the metal teeth?"

Baal, smirking : "Andrealphus really shouldn't have made that suggestion at that moment."



Gabriel, sitting up amid tangled silk sheets, "So. No prophecies."

Maya, nodding : "No prophecies."

Gabriel, counting off on her fingers : "No punishing the cruel."

Maya nods again.

Gabriel, wistfully, "Does playing a sex scene and then raising the temperature just a little bit count?"

Maya, warily : "Little bit?"

Gabriel, blandly, "A few thousand degrees. Nothing significant. Really."

Maya covers her eyes.

Gabriel, persuasively : "I've spoken to Marc. He says that if I fry a few Princes and he collects on the insurance, we might even bring this movie in under budget..."


ELI staggers into the green room with a crate of beer.

DAVID: (picks a bottle up and scowls) What do you call this?

ELI: I call that one Dominic. It lurks darkly at the bottom of the bottle and jumps out at you when you aren't looking.

ELI: I call that one Kobal, because it isn't funny.

ELI: And I call that one Laurence, because it gets right up your nose.


Every single Archangel and Demon Prince, surrounding Maya and Jo, who are looking rather panicked.

Valefor, furiously : "Mopeds. Pink mopeds."

Novalis, gesturing at her bikini : "Nylon!"

Michael, broodingly fondling his axe : "Stage. Blood."

Vapula : "Where are the explosions! Where are the special effects!"

Maya, frantically : "The set's been blown up so many times that you've wrecked the finance! We're broke!"

Kronos, glaring : "But we were Insured."

Jo, cowering behind the script : "Marc forgot the bit about Acts of God."



MAYA: (with a megaphone) OK, everyone, the lines are written on the board behind me. We'll take you one at a time. Pose against the bar, light your cigarette then read out the line.

ELI: My name is Bond, James Bond, and I can do amazing things with my tongue.

BELETH: My name is Bond. Cower in terror, weak fearful mortals!!

MICHAEL: My name is Michael.

HAAGENTI: My name is Bond. I'll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. And a jar of olives. And seven loaves of bread. And thirteen boxes of rice crispies. And ...

DOMINIC: My name is Judgement. I bear the Walther PPK of Execution.

JEAN: My name is Bond. Smoking can cause cancer.

LAURENCE: I'm not continuing with this until I have a strict assurance that Bond will behave honorably during the course of the film.

MAYA: (persuasively) Think of the ideals he represents, Laurence. He is an inspiration to the youth of today.

LAURENCE: (pouts at the camera) My name is Bond. I will not suffer evil to live...

DAVID: My name is Bond, James Bond. (he leans too heavily on the bar and it splinters under him)

LILITH: (blows smoke at the camera) I can tell you my name, but that'll cost you.

LAURENCE: ... I will never betray a trust ...

ANDREALPHUS massages JO's shoulders and murmurs, "You know, I'd really like to discuss this casting with you in more detail.. in private..."

JO looks to be weakening, "I guess I could maybe find room in my diary.."

MAYA sniffs, "Ask him about the metal jaws!" She points to the set meaningfully.

ANDREALPHAS: My name is Bond, James Bond. Love me and despair.

BLANDINE: My name is Bond. I will make your dreams come true.

VAPULA: My name is Bond. Worship me, and I will teach you the secrets of the universe.

LAURENCE: ... I will be the epitome of all the virtues ...

BELIAL: (lights up the cigarette, his suit, half of the bar....) My name is Bond, James Bond and I need a bigger lighter, and more guns.

GABRIEL: (lights three cigarettes, her suit etc. Clouds of smoke hide her face) My name is Bond. You will BURN!

LAURENCE: ... I will not drink or smoke... Jo: (cough) Thats wonderful, Laurence but really Bond without the vodka martinis doesn't work.

YVES: My name is Bond. Your name is Maya. It's all written down, you know.

MARC: My name is Bond, James Bond, and I'd like to make you an offer you cannot refuse.

KRONOS: My name is Bond, and you are all doomed. Doomed, I say!

NOVALIS: My name is Bond, James Bond. Don't try these stunts at home children, because violence is bad.

KOBAL: My name is Bond. Basildon Bond.

MAYA: (groans)

KOBAL: Brook Bond.

JO: (pulls a face)

KOBAL: Premium Bond.

Jordi : *groooooowl*

Jo : "Look, Jordi, I agree it's a beautiful wolf, but really... help! Aie!"

Maya, from a safe distance : "Don't shoot!" (*KABLAM KAPOW ZADADADADA*) "Don't shoot! Oh, hell. Someone get Novalis?"

Baal : "I refuse to play Bond. I am auditioning for M. Is that understood?"

Malphas : "My name is Bond. James Bond. And I am always, completely, on your side against the rest of the world."

Nybbas : "My name is Bond. James Bond. Brought to you by the British Broadcasting Corporation."

Saminga : "My name is Bonnnnd. I have come here from Mars to kill your men and drip upon your women."

Maya : "Cut! Cut! Okay, Kobal, where is the _real_ script this time?"

ASMODEUS: My name is Bond. Shall we play a Game?

VALEFOR: (lights up the cigarette flashily and sends a scorching smile to the camera) My name is...

JO & MAYA: You'll do!

MAYA: Actually, I don't think we gave Janus a screen test. Should we call them all back?

JO: Nah... I just got a fax in from Zambia. It says 'Janus cannot come to your filming becoz he has a cold. Signed 'his mum''


Maya, Elohite of Eli in service to Blandine


-- "There are those who say that wizards are subject to temptations and addictions beyond the understanding of ordinary men: the addiction to shape-changing, or to meditation under the influence of certain herbs and conditions of the stars; the obsession with knowledge, and the development of power. Yet this is not so. Temptation is temptation, obsession is obsession, and choice is choice." - Isar Chelladan, Precepts of Wizardry. -- "Dog Wizard", Barbara Hambly.


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