By Moe Lane


Typical Superior Responses To A Servitor Who Is Trying To Explain Just Why He Has Been Transformed Into A Cow

Blandine: "Is this a problem? I mean, you do most of your work in the ethereal plane anyway..."

David: "Bring me the head of the demon that transformed you, and then we'll talk about putting you back. In the meantime, I suggest that you practice your stampeding."

Dominic: "And just... excuse me." (Hum of Archangel-level Seraph resonance coming online) "Right. Now, if you'd just explain how this wasn't your fault, we can continue. And where's the rest of your Triad?"

Eli: "Dude. You're, like, a cow. That's so cool. Hold on a second." (Hum of Eli-power activating) "Wow. This is like such a different perspective, you know? I never realized how intense it is to be a cow. Hey! Let's go EAT some grass for a change!"

Gabriel: "Go forth, thou Bull of the Lord, and strike a blow against those who Cruelly devour thy new brothers in bovinity. Trample them under the stampede of Heaven's just

Janus: "Oh, this one I've just got to hear..."

Jean: "I presume that you have not entered this state voluntarily, given that the form that you are currently taking is neither useful to Heaven in general nor Lightning in particular. It will be thus necessary to investigate the phenomenon further: I will assign a team to investigate. You will, of course, provide input to the team.

"No, actually it would be better if you remained in this state until a proper report has been generated: the condition is not causing you physical discomfort and it would be rash to attempt to transform you back until we have a grasp on what caused the change in the first place..."

Jordi: "Excuse me? You want your vessel to be changed back? Are you suggesting that there's something wrong with being a cow? I didn't think so. You'd like to get an enhanced perception of the nature of bovine existence? Most wise of you."

Laurence: (wearily) "As if this job was not complicated enough. No, do not explain. Just take a new vessel out of stores and get back to what you were doing... and avoid such episodes in the future."

Marc: "You know, I can't think of a single thing to say that you probably haven't said to yourself already. Just trade it in for a new vessel and we'll say no more about it."

Michael: "You know, I've got an undercover job in India coming up that you'd be perfect for..."

Novalis: "Well, you make a very cute cow, for what it's worth. Sure, I can switch you back, but have you thought about working with this form for a while? Just think about how influential you could be in rural regions..."

Yves: "Ah, yes. And so it begins..."

Andrealphus: "Ooh, you kinky boy, you. Where did I put my branding iron?"

Asmodeus: "I presume that you have not compounded your idiocy by letting anyone else know of your weakness..."

Baal: (sound of various safeties being clicked off) "CLEAR DOWNRANGE!!!!!"

Beleth: "Good: it'll keep you from being distracted. Get going! It's nighttime somewhere on Earth..."

Belial: "You are so lucky that I've already checked to see whether you really can make a cow explode." (pause) "On the other hand, it's raining out and I'm bored..."


Kobal: "Heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-hah. Heh-heh-hehheh-heh. Mwahh-hah-hah-hah-hahhh..."

Kronos: "It is gratifying to see the outside finally match the inside. What? No, I think that the condition should persist for a while, from an aesthetic point of view alone..."

Lilith: "So, just how badly do you Need to be switched back? And just how badly do you Need for your Superior to never find out about this? Sure, I can wait while you think it over: of course, it'll cost you..."

Malphas: "You know who did this, right? Yes, it's just who you thought it was. Very clever of you to work it out: still, I really do think that you should do something about this, don't you?"

Nybbas: "Cows are, like, so five minutes ago. Do I look like Gary Larson to you?"

Saminga: "Can you still kill humans like that? If so, why should I care?"

Valefor: (Holding head) "No, no, NO. How many times do I have to say this? You wear leather; it doesn't wear you. On the other hand, you've got enough internal capacity now to walk away with a mint, so maybe we can work with this."

Vapula: "And here I was wondering what I'd be working on this afternoon. Tell me, just how many articulated weapons pods do you think would fit on your new flanks? Ooh, I wonder if there's enough room for internal plasma batteries? Well, let's find out, shall we?"


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