Smurfs

By Moe Lane

Corporeal Forces: 1 Strength: 1 Agility: 3
Ethereal Forces: 1 Intelligence:3* Precision: 4*
Celestial Forces: 3 Will: 6 Perception: 6

*Bought up

Vessel: Smurf/2

Skills: specialty/4, Language (default/3, Smurf/4), Move Silently/3

Songs and Attunements: only if you're playing a weirder game than even I want to contemplate

Ah, Smurfs: otherwise known as 'an example of why Novalis now never drinks anything that's in Eli's refrigerator without checking it first'. The Archangel of Creation doesn't label anything, you see: he apparently thinks that it makes for more interesting parties. In that particular case, he was correct. It took the Host days to track down Des Moines... but I digress. Anyway, when Novalis woke up, there they were: Smurfs. Lots of them, all industriously doing whatever it is that Smurfs actually do. The reaction of Heaven was not good - until they noted that Smurfs could, freakishly enough, actually be of benefit to the War.

God help us all.

Smurfs are actually effectively living artifacts, interestingly enough (and isn't everybody glad that they don't breed?): more accurately, they're effectively living talismans. Every Smurf is a Talisman/4 (added) for one non-combat skill: they also have that same skill themselves at level/4. The Smurf does not actually have to touch its keeper in order for the bonus to work, but it must remain within earshot: a Smurf can have only one keeper at a time. Smurfs can also never be further enchanted: only Novalis knows how to make them, and she gives them out as ... she gives them out.

Now, this is pretty powerful, correct? Self-aware talismans with their own regenerative Essence capacity (no, to all my fellow munchkins out there, I didn't overlook that): pretty neat, and all you have to do to get one is sweet-talk Novalis. Well, it's not all that rosy.

First off, there's the Smurf itself. Servitors of Flowers are too nice to notice, and Servitors of Dreams/Creation have their own methods of selective perception, but any member of the War Faction (or even the Well, We Can Whack on Hell a LITTLE Faction) is going to be constantly restraining himself from kicking the cute little thing through the nearest window. Touching a Smurf is an odd experience: one can almost feel flakes of insipid sweetness come off to melt in your skin. This is seriously bad mojo for a Servitor of War.

And they know it, too, which leads to the next problem: having a Smurf makes it harder for many entities to take you seriously. They assume that anyone in that close proximity is undergoing involuntary changes in his or her blood chemistry - and they're right. A Smurf 'owner' who becomes dissonant is just begging to be saddled with the Smurfy Discord (see below). Even those who haven't been infected are going to have to learn to ignore giggling behind his or her back.

Smurfhide

Certain demons, once they learned about Smurfs, decided to get some of their own. They failed to convert any ... but skinning the hide and tanning it worked almost as well. At the GMs discretion, a player may indicate that a new demonic talisman of level/3 or lower may be made out of smurfhide: this is merely a special effect, and thus worth no points. Captured or freshly dead Smurfs may be converted to regular talismans in 1/10th of the time that it would take to create an equivalent talisman.

Certain players may insist on having a +1 or more to reaction rolls from other demons (and some angels) for being so hardcore as to make talismans out of Smurfs. If they do, let them: they'll need all the plusses that they can get when they start suffering from the Smurfy Discord, poor things...

Smurfy (Ethereal)

I don't need to tell you, right? Those with this Discord end up with a linguistic glitch that causes them to replaces parts of speech with the word 'smurf'. For an example of the progression of this condition, see below:

Level/0: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Level/1: The quick brown fox jumps over the smurfy dog.
Level/2: The smurfy brown fox jumps over the smurfy dog.
Level/3: The smurfy smurfed fox jumps over the smurfy dog.
Level/4: The smurfy smurfed fox smurfs over the smurfy dog.
Level/5: The smurfy smurfed fox smurfs over the smurfy smurf.
Level/6: The smurfy smurfed smurf smurfs over the smurfy smurf.

Subtract the level of this Discord from all language rolls, including celestial ones: indeed, at level/3 and above making a player roll to be able to speak coherently at all would not be amiss (albeit possibly against the Geneva convention). The Songs of Tongues won't help, either. Luckily, two entities with the Smurfy Discord (and all Smurfs) can communicate normally.

This Discord is worth a straight -2 to reactions per level: Superiors react at -1 per level, except for Novalis, Eli and Kobal.