"It's not going to happen."
"Amazing."
"Excuse me?"
"You didn't even wince."
"Why would I wince?"
"Well, you just told a lie..."
"I DID NOT!"
"Yes, you did. Well, you didn't say a Truth. The
fact is, it IS going to happen, and there's damn
little you can do about it."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, really. There's only one way out of it."
"And that would be..."
"We start the Last Battle right here, right now. You
and me. You get out of this literally over my dead
body.
"What, cat got your tongue?"
"That's cheating."
"Of course it's cheating. I fight to win, after
all."
"And I don't?"
"Don't try to change the subject. I've spent too long
and pissed off too many people preparing for this.
I've got the bar, the booze, the strippers, the
Laurentine porn..."
"The WHAT?!?"
"Yeah, I know, it was a shock to me, too. My mistake
for asking Andre for something a little out of the
ordinary. Anyway, I've got all the stuff we need for
one epic, unrighteous, absolutely radioactive blowout
of a bachelor party... and, damn it all, you WILL come
with me and you WILL get drunk and you WILL see
exactly what you're passing up by getting hitched.
It's f*cking traditional."
"Just tell me why. You certainly don't want to see me
married - and I know that you hate her. You always
hated her."
"That's traditional, too. Evil Companions always
hate the Little Women who take away their drinking
buddies."
"Now you're changing the subject. Spill it."
"Does it matter?"
"Yes."
"Fine. Look, what am I supposed to do? I won't tell
you that I hope that you'll be happy, because I don't.
I can't actually go to either the service or the
reception, for obvious reasons. And I'm certainly not
going to get you any of those stupid things on that
stupid list that SHE made you ask for.
"But I'm also not going to let my oldest friend go
off and get married without doing something to mark
the occasion. Deal with it."
"Fine. Have it your way. Just one thing,
though..."
"What?"
"If I even see a pair of handcuffs and a tub of shoe
polish I'm going to kick your demonic ass all the way
back to the Pit."
"Damn. There goes the opening act."
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