SoapToon: Adventures in the Highest Fantasy of All!

By Theslin Wanders-through-Bramble

Welcome to SoapToon!

No other cartoon setting has as many flagrant loopholes and implausible circumstances as a single episode of any given soap opera--it's only natural that the two types of entertainment find their way into the same RPG! In the SoapToon setting, characters can get embroiled in an adventure, play for months, develop torrid love affairs, fight against the bosses of Gigantic Business Enterprises, Fall Down, be stalked by Evil Twins, and then wake up to find that it was all a dream--and nobody will be the least bit surprised! What possible cartoon antics can rival the insanity found in a soap opera?

Character Types
The borders between the various SoapToon character types are sketchy at best--a character can begin a scenario as a High-Paid Enterprise Executive, and then find himself a Compulsive Maniac at the end of the same session. Here, however, are a list of the basic figures you can expect:

Enterprise Owners
SoapToon must always feature at least one powerful company/factory in each adventure. The person who actually owns the deed to this financial enterprise is an Enterprise Owner. In all probability, the Owner is a kind, decent, gullible person who just wants to keep his workers happy, but he could be a tyrannic no-goodnik. It really depends on the nature of the Enterprise Controller.

Enterprise Controller
Who is the person who can Get Things Done? Who rules the Enterprise Employees with an Iron Fist? And who, oh who, is the Enterprise Owner's favorite advisor in the whole world? The Enterprise Controller! This guy is the one who is REALLY in charge. He's a slick kinda guy, who knows all of the ropes, has connections with all of the other rival Enterprises, and invariably has made a Life Quest out of getting the enterprise out of the hands of the sweet, caring Enterprise Owner. On rare occasions--very rare--the Owner and the Controller are the same person, but this greatly reduces the amount of intrigue in a given plot.

Enterprise Worker
These are the secretaries, clerks, untitled company aids, and other such schleps. More than likely, any player-run characters will be Enterprise Workers. Even Enterprise Workers can aspire to be something bigger--high-powered Workers. An adventure can be run around the concept of a Worker becoming the Controller becoming the Owner of an Enterprise--and then loosing it all in a horrible cream-pie-related accident, most likely caused by some up-and-coming new Enterprise Controller. Nothing is really stable. Some people don't exactly work for an Enterprise--they are the ones who work for the Enterprise Employees--gardeners (who are in reality the lost sons of the Enterprise Janitor), maids, butlers and housekeepers (each one is a Rival Enterprise Spy), and assorted ranch hands (who just want to get their greedy little mitts on the Enterprise Secret Plans).

Anger-Driven, Bitter People
So, the Enterprise Owner gave a three dollar and fifty-cent raise to the other guy, but not you? You found your accountant was playing tiddly-winks with Wanda, the little bunny tart next door? There's only one thing to do--seek out revenge, by any devious means available! Cream Pies in the dead of night, poisoned weenies at the Enterprise picnic, whatever--you're driven to get even with somebody! And when you do, there's only one option left--find someone else to relentlessly stalk. What a joy life is!

Evil Twins
Anybody could have one--the nasty, awful people who appear, cause as much havok as possible, and then fade silently away. They always look just like someone important--an Enterprise Owner, Controller, or High-Power Employee. Or perhaps they look like the former best friend of Hugh Waltbunny, Executive Administrator of Pflugerville Salad Oil Enterprises.

Long Lost Anybodies
These people are sort of like Evil Twins, but they might not always be evil. Sure, some of them are bitter and resentful, but they aren't ALL bad. Long Lost Sons might be angry that they missed out on their father's affection, or their mother's prize-winning pasta, but they're still good boys, at heart. Long Lost Cousins pop up occasionally, when they hear that someone's will's going to be read--they usually just want money. Long Lost Daughters come to the light at times, hang around for a few weeks, and then vanish. Long Lost Great Aunts and Long Lost Grandparents are rather rare--apparently, they're able to take care of themselves.

New Shticks

Most characters in the SoapToon setting have shticks that reflect what they're best at--backstabbing, conniving and blackmail. Some new shticks have to exist to reflect these..."unique" talents native to this peculiar reality.

Irresistable Beauty (5 pts.)
This shtick is normally available only to female characters, unless a player can come up with a really funny reason for giving Irresistable Beauty to a male (or neuter--like a very attractive Toyota) character. Against characters of the opposite sex, Irresistable Beauty works as a low-grade Hypnosis--characters under the beautiful creature's influence will do almost anything to keep her happy. The infatuated character cannot be convinced that he is a birdie, and will not suddenly gain the ability to fly--no matter what the temptress tells him. If a character makes her Incredible Beauty roll, she can control any males in the immediate area. ("Oh, I would be SO happy if you would climb to the top of Gitchie Gitchie Goo Peak and fetch me a coconut palm...")

If a character using the Irresistable Beauty shtick fails her shtick roll with a 12, she will probably be caught up in some horrible "Perils of Pauline" scenario--a villain might capture her and tie her to a train track, or some other nonsense will occur.

Obscene Amounts of Money (6 pts.)
Characters with this shtick literally have money falling out of their pockets (and their hatbands, and their boots, and their spotted boxer shorts). A character with Obscene Amounts of Money need never worry about paying for expensive items again! All he need do is make a successful shtick roll, and he automatically has the money to buy anything his heart wants. Failure might not mean his financial supply ran out, but perhaps he is just in a financial slump--his salad oil Enterprise collapsed, or something--nothing he can't get out of. Note that at almost any time, the Animator might say that the character's suppliers of money have completely gone dry--the Obscene Amounts of Money shtick can easily turn to Extreme Poverty. This is a temporary change--any disgustingly wealthy character worth his salt can sieze control of another Enterprise without any real difficulty.

Command (5 pts.)
Here is a shtick for those born to lead! Command gives the character a swarm of eager followers. They won't fight for the character, but they will get him a phone, fetch him coffee, and fly to the moon and back for three copies of that document on the Pflugerville salad oil fields. The character won't be able to get his legion to Fall Down for him, but anything else is certainly possible. A shtick roll is required for each task given to this swarm of followers. (If the character is particularly cruel to his followers, the Eager Followers Union can always show up to make things more interesting.)


What would a good soap opera be without all of those little touches that make it stupid? Here's all of the things that make SoapToon distinct from other unrealities.

Easy to find. Assume that any character, other than an Enterprise Owner, can pull a gun out of his Back Pocket. These are for use agianst Evil Twins and Anger-Driven, Bitter People--unless they are used BY Evil Twins and Anger-Driven, Bitter People.

Massive factories, insanely large factories--Ace itself is one of the largest enterprises known to 'toon. Some of the lesser-known Enterprises are the Pflugerville Salad Oil Enterprise, the Farthingbrooks Hospital, and the Chicken Crest fast-food franchise. Each has its own host of Employees and Controllers.

(Eewwww...mushy stuff!) A kiss in SoapToon can potentially go on for over three weeks. Just keep dropping in on the kissing characters. There's a fifty-fifty chance that the characters have unexpectedly become joined at the lips, and must be taken to a hospital--otherwise, the characters will be able to seperate with a loud "Pop!"

The number of sub-plots in a soap opera can boggle the human mind. Or the mind of a fire hydrant. Assume that there will always be at least twenty-five sub-plots, and that they can end without notification, and new ones will come into being without warning to replace them. Each character in a SoapToon game must roll on the Incredibly Twisted Plot Generator to see what plot strings are attached to them. In fact, the average SoapToon adventure consists of working to unravel these twists, without any real plot to support the story line. When there's even a story line...

They're like guns. Everyone has a ranch. The biggest ranches are Enterprises unto themselves. Whether the ranch is just a place to go for a pleasant walk, or a place where people actually raise cattle (the trick is to actually get them up into the air), a ranch is a necessity for living in a Soap Opera.

Places To Go

SouthPork is the personal ranch of J. P. Eweing. As such, it is just the place to go to meat--ahem, meet--the upper crust of society. Most of the ranch hands are Long Losts, so be prepared for a personal biography from almost anyone you talk to at SouthPork

Pflugerville Salad Oil Enterprise
Again, a project of J. P. Eweing--this is the source of his obscene wealth. Here, people pump oil for Texas's salads. Salad oil, being flammable, is a difficult substance to work with--fun can be had here by tampering with Eweing's elaborate safety mechanisms.

Chicken Crest
Home of the Big One! Chicken Crest stands can be found all over Town, the continental US, and many parts of the Toon-Fu setting as well. Expanditure into the StarToon campaign reality is next on the Chicken Crest agenda.

Chicken Crest stands are great places to go for a bite to eat, providing you have time (meals in a Chicken Crest stand have a way of lingering, as the Animator switches from one Plot Strand to another...)

Farthingbrooks Hospital
Where does every character go to have his Funny Bone repaired? Farthingbrooks! Actually, there aren't that many other places to patronize--the wealthy Farthingbrooks Enterprise has put every other hospital in the SoapToon out of business.

The Other Guy's Enterprise
Wonderful places! The Other Guys' Enterprises are chock-full of dirty secrets, neat ways to practice Insider Trading, and other goodies. If you're an Enterprise Employee, by double-crossing your boss (don't worry--everyone does it) you can make twice the money you're used to! Your home Enterprise owner won't get mad at you, but the Enterprise Controller will be steamed--and he has a gun!

Things to Do

The Dull and the Senseless
Wictor is seeing Brittany, but Brittany is secretly in love with J. P. Eweing! Meanwhile, Sprokfield Widgets is moving in on LufJaw & Co.--how will you work this out, when you already are dating the owners of both Enterprises?

General Anesthetic
Setting: Farthingbrooks Hospital. Hugo Schoppink and his family have come to stay for a while--Hugo himself is a little woozy, while his wife is getting ready to have a baby--not Hugo's, 'cause Hugo was in the Alps, studying Mountain-Climbing Elvis-Impersonators. The rest of Hugo's family is in the hospital for scorched noses, following a horrible Cafe Flambe' accident. (Was it an accident, or was the coffee spiked with gasoline? You have to find that out for yourself!)

Who shot J. P.?
Millionaire J. P. Eweing has been shot! Luckily, the expert sheepologists of Farthingbrooks were able to save his life, but who was the assassin? Assasin? Asassin? Who was this mystery man who shot J. P.? Surely not J. P. J., the mild-mannered young ram who was hired to keep J. P.'s pool filled--why would he do a thing like that? And why did J. P. hire him in the first place--J. P.'s a ram, also--he usually only hires dogs and lemmings!

As the Fog Burns
A rival Enterprise is pollutting the air--but your own Enterprise is taking the heat! How can you stop this? And when, oh when, will the Enterprise Owner stop making paper dolls and start trying to save his company?

J. P. Eweing
Not your typical ram--J. P. Eweing's once-muscular body is now flabby, and his wool doesn't have that healthy sheen anymore. He always chews a cigar--never smokes it, just chews it. J. P. wears formal business suits, no shoes, and a wide-brimmed black cowboy hat. Think "Rich Cowboy Sheep"--that's how Eweing dresses. He carries an unlimited supply of cigars, a large bottle of salad oil, and a lot of silver jewelry. Ever since an attempt was made on his life, he's been wearing bullet-proof vests (size L) as well.

Note--J. P. is NOT a stupid Enterprise Owner! He always fires anyone who gets too close to the Top, and rules with a heavy hoof.

Beliefs & Goals: I've got to keep the Pflugerville Salad Oil Company out of the water. No-one, I repeat, no-one, is gonna take it away from me. I'm still the handsomest ram around, and cigars won't hurt me as long as I don't smoke them.

Hit Points:  8         Speed:  2

Muscle: 3
  Break Down Door:              3
  Climb:                        3
  Fight:                        5
  Pick Up Heavy Thing:          3
  Throw:                        3
Zip:   2
  Dodge:                        2
  Drive Vehicle:                8
  Fire Gun:                     9
  Jump:                         2
  Run:                          2
  Swim:                         2
Smarts:  5
  Hide/Spot Hidden:             6
  Identify Dangerous Thing:     7
  Read:                         9
  Resist Fast-Talk:             11 (!)
  See/Hear/Smell:               5
  Set/Disarm Trap:              6
  Track/Cover Tracks:           6
Chutzpah: 6
  Fast-Talk:                    8
  Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods:     7
  Sleight of Hand:              6
  Sneak:                        4
  Obscene Amounts of Money:     9
  Command:                      7
  Incredible Luck:              5
Wictor Newcatt
Wictor is the controller of Newcatt Enterprises, under his father, Wictor Newcat, senior. Wictor is powerful, and a little greedy, but otherwise is a nice guy. He tends to underestimate people, so any low-power Enterprise employee can sneak in and usurp him--Wictor always finds his way back on top. Wictor is a well-built cat with yellow-blond, striped fur. He always dresses in a formal business suit, and wears a Rolex which he can sell for a huge amount of money. Wictor carries blank contracts, rolls of $100 bills, and pictures of his sixteen former wives in his Back Pockets.

Beliefs & Goals: Don't let Dad make shambles of Newcatt Enterprises. Try not to fall in love with every female I meet. Always be a little paranoid, 'cause anyone might want to take over your Enterprise. Wherever I go, I can always cash in my Rolex for gobs of money. Don't be afraid to let people know I'm rich--they won't try to rob me or anything, 'cause I'm Powerful. With a capital "P".

Hit Points:  10             Speed:  6

Muscle:  4
 Break Down Door:               4
 Climb:                         8
 Fight:                         8 (Likes to fence)
 Pick Up Heavy Thing:           5
 Throw:                         4
Zip:     5
 Dodge:                         7
 Drive Vehicle:                 6
 Fire Gun:                      9
 Jump:                          6
 Ride:                          7
 Run:                           5
 Swim:                          5
Smarts:  3
 Hide/Spot Hidden:              4
 Identify Dangerous Thing:      4
 Read:                          8
 Resist Fast-Talk:              7
 See/Hear/Smell:                3
 Set/Disarm Trap:               3
 Track/Cover Tracks:            3
Chutzpah:  4
 Fast-Talk:                     7
 Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods:      7
 Sleight of Hand:               4
 Sneak:                         4
 Command:                       6
 Irresistable Beauty:           8 (works on females, of course.)
Wikkie Newcatt
Devoted (?) wife of Wictor. Generally, this slim, blue-eyed Siamese kitten will defend her husband against attacks on his character, but she has a weakness for almost anything she is even remotely attracted to. Wikkie is pretty, but not totally ravishing--she's just cute. Wikkie works in the upper levels of Newcatt Enterprises--an Enterprise so large that it just goes around, creating little Enterprises. She knows all sorts of interesting secrets.

Beliefs & Goals: Always let Wictor know how much I love him. Try to visit the gardener at least once a day (even though he's Wictor's Long-Lost Hairdresser). Whenever Wictor vanishes, I've got to get really worried, then depressed, then I can marry the next poor schlep who walks through the door. Never pass up a chance to spread a little dirt!

Hit Points: 7               Speed:  5

Muscle: 2
 Break Down Door:               2
 Climb:                         8
 Fight:                         5 (Fences with Wictor)
 Pick UP Heavy Thing:           2
 Throw:                         3
Zip: 5
 Dodge:                         6
 Drive Vehicle:                 5
 Fire Gun:                      8
 Jump:                          7
 Ride:                          6
 Run:                           7
 Swim:                          6
Smarts: 6
 (All Smarts skills: 6)
Chutzpah: 1
 Fast-Talk:                     4
 Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods:      3
 Sleight Of Hand:               2
 Sneak:                         3
 Purse of Many Things:          4
Laurin Finmore
Laurin Finmore is the owner of Finmore fashion Designs--a small Enterprise, but one that always seems to be a nuisance to the Big Guys. Laurin is a lovely dolphin who always dresses sharp. She carries an unlimited supply of dresses, shoes and wigs in her Back Pocket--also a gun. You can never tell when you might need it!

Beliefs & Goals: Always play the roll of the Up-'N-Coming young Enterprise Owner. Never fail to show off the wide selection of dresses and ornamental accessories for Every Occasion.

Hit Points: 10                  Speed:  4

Muscle: 4
(All Muscle Skills: 4)
Zip: 3
 Dodge:                         5
 Drive Vehicle:                 4
 Fire Gun:                      9
 Jump:                          3 (a little better in the water)
 Ride:                          3
 Run:                           2
 Swim:                          8
Smarts: 6
 Hide/Spot Hidden:              7
 Identify Dangerous Thing:      8
 Read:                          9
 Resist Fast-Talk:              9
 See/Hear/Smell:                6
 Set/Disarm Trap:               6
 Track/Cover Tracks:            6
Chutzpah: 6
 Fast-Talk:                     7
 Pass/Detect Shoddy Goods:      6
 Sleight of Hand:               6
 Sneak:                         6

 Do Businessy Things:           8
 Quick Change/Disguise:         6
Shiva Gnasher Shiva exists to cause difficulties. She is your typical Bitter, Anger-Driven person, though no-one knows what she is so angry about. Up to this point, she has limited herself to child-stealing, embezzlement, petty theft, grand theft, murder, arson, slander and various parking offenses. Shiva is a devious little weasel (literally--the lady's a tall, slender ferret). She has all of the hallmarks of your typical obsessive personality, and always looks a frumpy and tired.

Beliefs & Goals: I've forgotten what Wictor did, but I've Got To Get Even with him! And his little wife! And his little dog, Tutu! And everyone he's ever met! And that fishy character, Laurin! They all need to be punished for what they've done to me--now what was it they've done to me?

Hit Points:  10                 Speed:  6

Muscle:  3
  Break Down Door:              5
  Climb:                        6
  Fight:                        7
  Pick Up Heavy Thing:          3
  Throw:                        3
Zip:  5
  Dodge:                        8
  Drive Vehicle:                2 (Not that it stops her from trying)
  Fire Gun:                     10
  Jump:                         5
  Ride:                         3
  Run:                          7
  Swim:                         6
Smarts: 4
  Hide/Spot Hidden:             4
  Identify Dangerous Thing:     4
  Read:                         4
  Resist Fast-Talk:             4
  See/Hear/Smell:               7
  Set/Disarm Trap:              8
  Track/Cover Tracks:           8
Chutzpah:  3
  (All Chutzpah Skills: 3)

  Quick Change/Disguise:            5
  Purse of Many Dangerous Things:   5
  Cosmic Shift:                     4
  Irresistable Beauty:              8
  Wierd Science:                    3
  Teleport:                         6 (Modified--she can only appear
                                       where she isn't wanted)

Sidebar Topics...

There are no plots, save that contrived by the characters. The best SoapToons are created by letting the characters shuffle through their Twisted Backgrounds, working together or against each other. Lost Relatives will pop in unexpectedly, Enterprises will work against each other, and Ninjas will appear unexpectedly to make things even more difficult--no-one will have the foggiest idea as to what's going on. Niether will the Animator. What more could you ask for?

Scene Breaks
Judicious use of scene breaks--unexpected jumps to a new scene, or even a long, pointless flashback--can make the simplest action linger for weeks! A simple conversation with a Bitter Individual can take Wictor out of a given plot for three or four hours, just as long as the Animator flashes in on him so that he can say the phrase "And then the frog--"

Falling Down
Sometimes, a SoapToon character will get back up after Falling Down. Other times, an Evil Twin (who acts just like the original character) will take his place. Other times, everyone will think the character Fell Down, but in reality, he was abducted by Rural Librarians. Falling Down in the SoapToon setting is even less predictable than in more realistic Toon games.

Twisted Plot Table--roll at least once for every SoapToon character.
The Character's

1) Mother or Father...
2) Sister or Brother...
3) Maid or Butler...
4) Best Friend...
5) Evil Twin...
6) Major Household Appliance...

11) Is very, very sick,
12) Is working for a Game-Designing Enterprise in Wisconsin,
13) Is working for a Rival Enterprise,
14) Is plotting against the character,
15) Is plotting against the character's uncle,
16) Is raising raisins in Rhode Island,

21) Has been kidnapped by terrorists,
22) Has been kidnapped by misguided relatives,
23) Has been abducted by aliens,
24) Has been abducted by Elvis Impersonators,
25) Has been kidnapped by farmers,
26) Has been kidnapped by blind nuns,

31) Has become a Catchooloid cultist,
32) Has been replaced by an Evil Twin,
33) Has been replaced by an alien look-alike,
34) Has been sold to Gypsies,
35) Has been shape-changed into a hatrack,
36) Has become a werewolf,

41) Is visiting France,
42) Has bought Egypt,
43) Is living in Tibet,
44) Is being mind-controlled by a Voodoo priest from Out-of-Town,
45) Is scheming against the character,
46) Is living with a llama in Botswana,

51) Is being used as a test subject by a Mad Scientist,
52) Has become an exotic dancer,
53) Is now a model for "Cheeky French Maid" magazine,
54) Has taken up lion-training in Austin, Texas,
55) Has been crowned King (or Queen) of Mars,
56) Has been posessed by the ghost of a dead pirate,

61) Has disguised herself/himself as a mime and is wandering The City,
62) Is dating the character's Natural Enemy,
63) Has gone back in time to the days of his/her great-grandparents,
64) Has gone completely insane ("He thinks he's a fruit bat!"),
65) Has become a Game Show Hostess (or Host)
66) Has become a terrible klutz--drops everything, trips all the time,
hurts himself on furniture, ect.
1) Everyone thinks he/she's Fallen Down.
2) She/He's supposed to marry someone really important--a president,
rival Enterprise owner, or maybe a member of the character's party.
3) An ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/drinking buddy/pinbal partner
desperately wants to get back together with him/her.
4) Someone died, and he/she's mentioned in the will. Can she make it
back in time for the reading?
5) His/Her Long-Lost __________ has been found, and it's vitally
important that the two get back together again.
6) Roll Twice.
Meanwhile, Our Character...
1) Has been kidnapped by            1) The Elvis Impersonators
2) Wants to join                    2) The ninjas
3) Is trying to hire                3) The Enterprise Executives
4) Is being hunted by               4) The Secret Monks
5) Is studying                      5) The Police
6) Is madly in love with one of     6) The Quiet Gardeners

                                    1) Of
                                    2) From
                                    3) Who are hiding in
                                    4) Who operate from
                                    5) Who secretly control
                                    6) Who protect and guard

                                    11) Wellsville, Ohio
                                    12) Pudukkottai, India
                                    13) Fresno, California
                                    14) Fresno, Ohio
                                    15) Austin, Texas
                                    16) Dillsboro, Illinois
                                    21) Denton, Georgia
                                    22) Elk City, Idaho
                                    23) Ngaruawahia, New Zealand
                                    24) Walla Walla, Washington
                                    25) Xique-Xique, Brazil
                                    26) Wynot, Nebraska
                                    31) Skandenborg, Denver
                                    32) Schwartzenback an der
                                    scchsischen saale, Germany
                                    33) Truth or Consequences, New
                                    34) Toto, Guam
                                    35) Sneedville, Tennessee
                                    36) Cactus, Arizona
                                    41) Buffalo Lake, Minnesota
                                    42) Bujumbura, Burundi
                                    43) Bukittinggi, Indonesia
                                    44) Kajikazawa, Japan
                                    45) Musselshell, Montana
                                    46) Parsippany, New Jersey
                                    51) Nyack, New York
                                    52) Ola, Idaho
                                    53) Sopchoppy, Florida
                                    54) Halfway, Wyoming
                                    55) Occidental, California
                                    56) Oats, South Carolina
                                    61) Schenectady, New York
                                    62) Sylvester, Georgia
                                    63) Lake Geneva, Wisconson
                                    64) Enigma, Georgia
                                    65) Orange Grove, Texas
                                    66) Des Moines, Iowa

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