An INWO murder mystery
This bit of silliness from Gary McGath (firstname.lastname@example.org) was inspired by the recently posted "INWO Love Story."
An attorney for the CFL-AIO was found dead at the Lawyers' Annual Convention in New York, done in by a Sniper on May Day. Pinned to his shirt was a typewritten note saying, "The First Thing We Do, Let's Kill All the Lawyers. Death to All Fanatics -- And STAY Dead!" The Local Police Department was notified, and immediately sent over a detective. He took a Death Mask of the body before Corruption could set in and turn it into a mass of Vile Secretions, fit only for Vultures.
The murder quickly became a Media Sensation. Reporters from Cable TV, the Tabloids, and other Big Media were asking questions, all hoping to win the Pulitzer Prize. Would the F.B.I. be called in? Was this the beginning of a Spasm of Violence perhaps even of Mass Murder? Was he killed in a Gang War between the Mafia and the Urban Gangs? Was it done with the Goal of Population Reduction?
"Enough Is Enough!" cried the detective. "Call the Telephone Psychics if you want answers to those questions. But believe me, we have Sufficiently Advanced Technology to solve this murder. Let's not have a Whispering Campaign before we know the facts."
Investigating the crime was an even Bigger Business than expected. The police analyzed the New Blood on the floor, checked for Poison, and did ballistics tests on both the first and The Second Bullet. They had to go Back to the Drawing Board more than once. Being determined to make good in their Crackdown on Crimethey would Never Surrender. After all, if they failed, the Men in Black who mourned the victim would consider it a Scandal; if they succeeded, the police could look forward to Good Polls. But at last they got some vital information, thanks to a Deep Agent operating among the Criminal Overlords.
Finally, the detective quietly summoned all the suspects into a room. In spite of the fact that he brought Pizza for the Secret Meeting, there was an atmosphere of Fear and Loathing in the room. "There's No Beer!" someone complained.
"The criminal tried hard to Cover-Up the crime," he said. "But it's time to Let the Sunshine In. The Waiting Period is over." He put a valise of Fundie Money on the table. "This is the Payoff the murderer was after. And the murderer is . . . George the Janitor!"
George leaped up. "No!" he cried. "It was an Impostor! A Hoax! A case of Mistaken Identity! I'll fight this Witch Hunt all the way to the Supreme Court!"
"Resistance Is Useless!" said the detective. "You've been Unmasked! We know all about your attempts at Bribery and Embezzlement, thanks to some Whistle Blowers. If you'd only had A Brief Attack of Conscience, you could have lived a Kinder and Gentler life. Now you can look forward to years of Commitment."
George tried to Take the Money and Run, but the detective proceeded to Reach Out with his fist. For a moment, George was seeing a Thousand Points of Light.
"Foiled!" he grumbled.